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Bedoor Bluemoon

Everyday writing to expose the soul

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Know your Employees, Get Better Results

There are many ideas and theories regarding how to best motivate people in general and employees in specific.  Most managers remember the X, Y, and Z theories of management from back in college in addition to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which has been altered recently to add a new primitive and basic need: WIFI.  I have seen an image of the pyramid with ” battery” at the bottom but thought they were taking it a little too far.  To refresh your memory, Maslow stated that all people have the same needs which he then segregated to physiological, safety, esteem, and self actualization (as shown below).  It’s not a difficult concept but back in college, it was just a theory.

Maslow-hierarchy

When we finally got employed and for those of us who are fortunate to be deemed managers, we were given employees and told that we now have the role of motivating them.  So what we all did was go back to our textbooks and started researching “motivation.”

Through the process of trial and error, thinking that I was sometimes too lenient and sometimes too strict, and at other times thinking that I was not cut out for this job and introverts should stay away from life as it is, I came to realize that theories were put in place as tools to help us and as guidelines to set our course.  It has come to my attention that the employee I spend time talking and listening to is usually more motivated than another employee who I haven’t met with for a while.  Why is that?

Communication is key.  Knowing how the employee thinks and what he is looking for helps you, as a manager, identify what motivates him.  An employee who seems to look forward to going out in the weekends and spending time with friends would probably appreciate time off work or additional vacation days.  It doesn’t just rely on where that person is in his life, as in whether the employee is single or married, has kids, is thinking of retiring, and so forth, it also relies on the individual and his personal goals.

So let me give you a few pointers that could help:

1- When you have someone newly employed, talk to them.  Listen to their life story and try to understand what kind of person he/she is.  You will be surprised to know that most people lead a fairly similar life to you and usually have pretty clear goals.

2- Look at your employees, read their faces.  Employees are people who get affected by what goes on in their life.  They cannot just leave their problems at the door; it’s not possible, they are human.  Read their faces and find out what “happy” looks like and what “sad” or “disappointed” looks like.  You mostly need these two emotions to motivate.

3- Take cues from others.  When you hear that employee X is unhappy, he probably is unhappy.  Listen to people then try to find out if it’s true.

4- Listen to stories and try to make connections.  Many things happen around the office and when you hear that employee Y is a family man and loves his kids very much, consider that a point you can use to motivate him when needed.  So when employee Y does something good, maybe you can give him a gift voucher for a family dinner or offer to help with providing medical insurance for his pregnant wife to help with expenses:  something related to family.  More about this subject on my previous post Buying The Perfect Gift can be applied here.

5- Know your employees at a personal level without getting personal with them. This is very tricky because you don’t want to be mistaken as a friend but rather as a very nice boss.  A boss which they can talk to but who would not be invited over for birthday parties.  This is a very delicate balance where you need to be empathetic but not a pushover.  This could sometimes makes it hard to discipline but the key is to maintain their respect.

6- Do not over-complicate matters.  Some people just want and need money, others want time off, some want to be thanked in private, others want to be appreciated in public.  And of course, someone is out there to take over your job.  Your role is to know what the employee needs AT THAT TIME since needs constantly change.

Get to know your employees to be able to motivate them.  Everyone is different and people change over time.  Truly understand what makes them happy “tick” and what makes them sad “tock”  Talk to your employees: be their leader, be their coach.  Navigate them to succeed in their lives and you will get better results.

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Man in the Shadows

man and shadow

Lights on.  Zoom into girl sitting on a bench.

A figure walks towards you, his face is a blur, his features are vague.  To you he seems to be a shadow coming out of the mist.  Then he takes a few more steps and his face becomes a little bit clearer.  You can see his nose and the curl that can only be a smile.  He takes a few more steps and you think he is very handsome.  A handsome man with a handsome face.  A good body and quite tall, you think.

Focus on man’s face.

You realize that his eyes are brown like chocolate.  You stare into them as you speak and in that moment, you have surrendered your life to this man.  In your mind, you already planned your wedding and started picking out names for your children.  In that moment, everything seems to be going right.

Fast forward.

Man’s face in focus.  Everything else out of focus.

Your life with this man is blissful.  You see him everyday and notice the little things about him.  You notice sparks of gold in his eyes and realize that in the sunlight, his brown eyes have more depth.  He is no longer a shadow, he is everything, he is in focus.  You realize a little habit he has and consider it to be plain adorable.  In your mind, he is perfect.  In your mind, your path with him is clear.  His phone number is not only in your favorites but is engraved in your subconscious from the many many times you called him from work.  Your fingers seem to know what numbers to dial.  Your walk next to him and when you sit, you rest your head on his shoulder where it seems to be at home.  You know his thoughts from the look on his face.  You go to new restaurants together and watch the biggest block buster movies while sharing sweet and salty popcorn.  You know his every detail, his every hope and dream and in your mind, you’ve already grown old together and are sitting on the porch outside your home.

Fast forward.  

Sounds of shattering glass.  Dim lighting.

You break up over little things that add on and on and become such a burden to you.  You feel like you heart will explode.  Life as you know it shatters into a million pieces and you feel like there is no life without him.  His face is everywhere.  You can still feel the touch of his hand and you can’t seem to find a place for your head.  You walk without thought and everything is no longer right, everything is vague, everything is wrong.  Only he exists clearly and completely.  Your family, your friends, your career, and you, are no longer clear.  You hold onto his face and hurt.  Your chest is stabbed, the pain is unbearable and your dreams are burnt to ashes.  You look at yourself in the mirror and can’t take your eyes off the emptiness where he used to stand.  You sit for lunch at your usual place but your eyes keep wandering over to the chair next to you.  Your hands pick up the office phone and your fingers start to dial his number.  You suddenly stop and weep. You look through everything he gave you, the key chain, the necklace, the pen, they feel so right to be with you.  Yet so wrong.

Fast forward.  

Hope, soft music.

You start forgetting.  You no longer call his number by mistake and you no longer have your eyes wander at the empty chair.  You fill it with people in your life.  Sisters, brothers, friends and family come into focus.  Your eyes start seeing other things.  You start to smile and laugh.  You start to enjoy your days and you start to focus on your face in the mirror, not the emptiness that once was. You focus on yourself, you pick up a new book, you go to new places and realize that not everything reminds you of him.  You look back at your memories with him five times a day, then four, then three, and then twice, and finally you remember him only when you go to bed.  And one morning, you wake up and he is no longer in your mind and you realize that you have already purchased a new key chain, a necklace, and a pen.  You will wonder how tall he was and what color his eyes were.  Brown?  Hazel?  The details that once were your everything turn to shadows.  The face that was once always in focus starts getting forgotten and blurs into oblivion.  Becomes a shadow that you no longer recognize.  A faceless man in the crowd of life.  No-one important.

Man’s shadow walking into the mist.  

Zoom out.

Lights off. 

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Faith

  Faith: the light that enlightens out paths, the rock that holds our backs, and the center of our heart.  

Without faith we cease to believe, cease to hope, and cease to be.  
Faith in a stronger God, a mightier God, and a merciful God. Faith in the good and the positive. Faith in knowing that things happen for a reason, that life is worth something, and that your life is not in vain.  Knowing that someone is loving you for you. Knowing that God listens to your heartbeat, listens to your wishes, and understands your every thought.

Knowing that brings peace and comfort to your soul. Knowing that life is not created by coincidence, but by a higher power with reason. Knowing we are living for a reason, that there are givens in our lives, and a path created for you. Choices made just for you and paths chosen by you with God holding your hand in every step. 
A caring God.

A loving God. 

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قلبا لا ينسى

girl at beach

وبعد سنواتٍ قضيناها معا

افترقنا

وافترقـَت طرقنا

ومضينا لنعيش حياة أخرى

بعيدة عن أحلامنا السابقة

حياة لا لذة فيها

 افترقنا

بعد أيام عشناها في الهوى

ومضينا لنعيش ولا نعيش

نرى الدنيا بلا ألوان

ولا نسمع زقزقة العصافير

افترفنا

وها نحن اليوم نلتقي صدفة

احسست بنبض خفيف في قلبي

فتسائلت

أعادت لي الروح؟

هل من حياة بعد الفراق؟

وهل من بعد الظلام نور؟

فبعد أن افترقنا

ماتت جميع مشاعري

وبت صدفة بلا لؤلؤة

اسبح في معركة الحياة

وارتمي على شواطئ الأحزان

وأموت

فالفراق أهلكني

والحياة أماتتني

والآمال خذلتني

والقلب اشترى تذكرة ليسافر

ولا يعود

فلِمَ عُدتَ يا قلبي؟

لماذا تريدُ أن تقلّب المواجع

وتذكرني بالماضي البهيج؟

لا تذكرني

فقد رضيت بحياتي المملة

وواجهت الليالي الخالية

واعتدت الحياة دونك

أمثّل السعادة دوما

وأبكي ليلا ويوما

وبداخلي فراغُ ما بعد الألم

وفي عينيَّ ضبابُ ما بعد البكاء

وفي جوفي حريق لا ينطفئ

ابتعد

واذهب بعيدا

فقد افترقنا

وعشنا حياة ليست بحياة

دون طعم، دون لون، دون حب

لا تغير رأيك الآن

فقد فات الأوان

والحياة أيامها تمضي

والقرارات لا تعود

أذهب بعيدا وانسى

سنوات ضياعٍ ما أقساها

قلبا لا ينسى ولا يموت

وقلبا ينسى ولا ينسى

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A Social Wedding

image

 

Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions.  Its one of the life changing events  when you walk down the aisle and realize that you’re finally becoming whole, finally becoming one with the person your heart always searched for, the person you chose to spend the rest of your your life with.

But for me, walking down the aisle I imagined someone say ‘dead man walking’ and people giving me looks of sadness and dismay.

You see, I’m not getting married because I wanted to, I’m getting married because I have to. For my family, for my social status, and for my sanity.

I found out I was gay when I was a teenager. I know many of you will not accept me for who I am but I faced this reality a long time ago.  I was a homosexual before homosexuality became accepted by society and, to this day, many people in my social circle ignore homosexuals and always have negative things to say about them. So I sit in the cafe with a few of my friends or relatives who have no clue about my entity and they would diss all homosexuals around. It’s not a nice feeling to be forced in the closet, sometimes I wish I would just leave the country and start somewhere new…

But I can’t.

I’ve already established myself and my career and it would break my mother’s heart if I left. I recalled the years I spent in the US, it was the best time of my life. I was who I really was, I didn’t have to change, I didn’t have to hide, and I didn’t have to act.

And today is the grand finale.

At 43, all excuses of delays in marriage were worn out. My sister says she wishes to see me settled, my mother cries telling me she wants to see my children before she dies, and my father says he wants a grandson to carry his name. I gave all excuses I could but it was finally time to give in.

I was set up with a few nice girls.  Some may have even been great friends but I knew that I needed someone who will understand me without telling her. Someone who is getting into this marriage also for a family, social status, and sanity. It happened after I was rejected by someone whose family guessed my sexual tendencies and I honestly couldn’t look them in the eye. I had to make up some excuse but was relieved that she rejected me: maybe I didn’t have to get married anymore.

The next day after the rejection as I was browsing the net, I got a call. It was from one of her friends. I was surprised because we never exchanged more than a few pleasantries.  She started telling me how sorry she felt that I was rejected and what an idiot her friend was. I didn’t quite know what was the purpose of the call because I was too preoccupied that time with dating a new guy.  She continued to call me for the next couple of days and started dropping hints… It took a few weeks but I finally understood.

She didn’t want to be considered a spinster. She wanted to start a family and settle in with someone…anyone. She wanted to invite people over to her new house and play the hostess to grand dinners and parties. She wanted the status of being married more that being married.

So we decided it was the best thing to be done. She never told me that she had any conception of me being gay nor did she ask. I’m not sure if she doesn’t see it or chooses not to see it. I don’t know if I should feel more sorry for her or myself.

A match made in the social circle.

To stop people from guessing what they already know and to establish something from nothing.

Walking down the aisle I see my family, heads up and proud. I see my friends with their wives and children, and I see my new boyfriend.

He knows that this is a great act. I jump up, acting all happy and getting everyone excited.

Then settle. A fake smile pasted on my face…

Dead man walking.

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Labor Pains

baby

So this last week I didn’t have any chance to write because my son is teething.  It’s not getting any better, it’s the same.  He’s cranky, in pain, and clinging onto me all day every day.  Not an optimum situation for someone who needs time to be creative. I guess when other mothers say that things will only get better when his teeth cut through is right.  The problem is they never prepare you for this.

Actually, mothers don’t prepare you for anything!!!  I like to think of myself as someone who can tolerate pain so I was mentally prepared to face labor pains.  I had my birthing plan in place and knew that birthing was a part of nature and mothers, for decades, have been doing it naturally.

Come March 2nd, I’m sitting in my pajamas working on salaries when my water broke.  Splash.  LITERALLY splash!  My husband was away on vacation, my mom was cooking lunch, and I just had to finish the salaries because no-one else can do them.  I sat down for a few minutes just to save the file and handed it over to my sister.  I was then admitted to the hospital when I still remained smiling, excited, and under control.

Yeah right.

The pain was fairly bearable in the beginning.  It was an interesting experience until things started getting serious.  The nurse was nice but she didn’t know what I was going through.  She might have given birth previously but I was the one in labor.  She sees this everyday, this is her job.  But for me it was just OH MY GOD!!

Being in pain, I wanted to talk to the fairly nice nurse and ask her when this will be over.  She said soon and couldn’t really answer.  Come on, who can answer this question?  So then I asked her is this pain normal?  She said, this is moderate pain and giggled.

WHAT?!?!

If this is moderate pain, what is real pain?

Well, It got worse… much worse… really quickly…

I never thought I would but I gave in the the epidural and was still screaming.

Word of advice:  TAKE ALL DRUGS AVAILABLE TO EASE YOUR PAIN!!!  You don’t need to torture yourself, you don’t hate yourself, do you?

So  hours (which seemed like months later), I gave birth to my baby.  I was so happy and relieved the pain stopped.  They say the body gets filled with happiness (hormones and such, I’ve never been into biology much) but I think the body was just in shock.  It really is a miracle you’re alive!

Later on, I’m siting on the hospital bed and my aunt walks in and asks, “how was labor?  Is it what you expected?”  It took ALL my willpower not to say something rude, she was being satirical and she loved it.  It was an inside joke but you know what?  I wasn’t laughing.

A year and a bit later, I understand why mothers don’t tell expectant mothers the truth: if anyone knew the extent of the pain they would never consider having a baby.  Plus, I just LOVE walking in to hospital rooms and ask “how was labor?  Is it what you expected?  HAHAHA join the club.

Today’s (and everyday) specials: pain, lack of time, and no energy.  Oh, and an amazing miracle you know is worth it.

I love you, my boy.  Hope you feel better.

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Little Wonder Boy

mom and son

You know the less fortunate people you see working as cleaners or housemaids or who are sometimes still looking for a job?  Those people who you act like you don’t see and feel a bit awkward when you have eye contact with them? People who are always in front of you but you choose not to see them and you walk past them like they don’t exist? Well, I hate to break it to you but if you close your eyes they will still be there.  They will continue to be part of the reality you choose to ignore.  They are not part of a TV show so you can change the channel, neither are they aliens you can send back to their planet.  They are real.

By now, some readers may have closed the window and others will be skimming through really quickly and remembering something important they suddenly have to do.  Some will just feel bad and look for a charity that basically has nothing to do with poor people and contribute by buying tickets to their expensive dinner where they will “feed the homeless” by serving canapes and a few drinks.

Well, from someone who can speak for the less unfortunate, I would like to say please keep your charity money and your feelings of being superior to yourself.  These people who you consider substandard are a part of a reality you don’t understand.  You are forgetting that they come with hopes, dreams, and families.  Their dreams are similar to yours; I’m pretty sure their dreams are very far from where they stand now.

I am one of those less fortunate people.

My name is George and I grew up in one of the little poor suburbs in India.  My parents got married and when my father found out that my mom was pregnant, he was ecstatic.  Fathers around the world have a funny way of being relentless and anxious when waiting for a baby to be born.  So my mom, who was so tired with the pregnancy for nine months, was relieved when she felt her water break.

I wasn’t born easily. Like some children in the world, I took two days to finally be born.  I was immediately loved and cherished by my mother who quickly said a prayer to ensure that no harm will ever come in my way.  She held me close to her and kissed my forehead, and felt like she was complete.

By the time I was six years old, I had three sisters.  Being the eldest and a boy was the best thing that ever happened to me back home.  I was constantly fretted over, spoiled, and looked up to.  My mother would give me a glass of milk every morning before my sisters and she would pat my back saying I’m a “good boy who can do wonders.”

And that’s what I believed.

I went to school that year and would sit with my friend, Alex, and dream of our future.  I wanted to be a pilot and see the world.  I wanted to wear the uniform and fly the plane.  Alex wanted to be a surgeon.  At that age, we only knew what we were taught so our dreams were very vague.

No-one questions dreams.  They are a private part of your soul.  They consist of what you perceive yourself to currently be and what you want to be.  Sometimes dreams don’t make sense but, who are you to question them? Why were two little boys from the little suburb in India dreaming of becoming pilots and surgeons?

No-one questions.

We grew and our dreams grew.  Our family had some problems when little Gina got infected with a virus.  My father had to sell one goat to be able to afford her medication.  My mother was heartbroken so I would try to comfort her.  She would pat my back and say that I’m a “good boy who can do wonders.”

Gina didn’t survive the infection and I was mad.  If only we had enough money we could have gotten her to the city earlier.  She could have been saved by a great surgeon.  I went to Alex and made him promise that he will be a great surgeon someday and help poor people.  I cried and he promised that he will try his best.

So the next year in school, Alex and I worked harder and got better grades.  We wanted to get scholarships and continue to get our diplomas then maybe we can achieve what we dreamed of.  Alex’s father passed away and he had to leave school to work in the farm.  He was also the eldest child and all responsibilities lay on him.  I didn’t care for my grades anymore, he was the surgeon and I was the pilot who will take him around the world to help patients.  The night Alex’s father died, Alex’s dreams also died.

I graduated from high school.  The “good boy who can do wonders” was finally ready to face the world.  My grades weren’t high enough to continue studying just yet but I was ready to work.  I booked a ticket to go to Mumbai where my uncle will help me look for a job and I was so proud!  My sisters looked at me like their savior; Lana asked me to get her some Gulab Jamun as soon as I get paid and Tatinka asked for some money to get her new shoes.  You see, she always got Lana’s hand-me-down shoes and they were worn out by the time she got them.

I promised them both then went to my mom for her blessings.  She hugged me and gave me a pat on the back, saying how proud she was of her “good boy who can do wonders” and prayed for my safety.  She gave me my packed lunch and waved good bye as my father and I started walking to the bus station.

On the way, my father told me that I should listen to my uncle, that I should trust him fully and he will show me the best way to get to my dreams.  His eyes were teary as he told me how hard life is and how we sometimes need to sacrifice things to live.  He told me how hard it was all these years to afford all the expenses of keeping a family and how hard he worked.  We reached the bus stop and the bus was driving up to us.  I thanked him for his advise, asked for his blessings, and went on my way.

On the bus, I dreamed.  I dreamed of being the best pilot.  Of wearing the uniform, of flying from country to country and meeting different people.  It was the closest I have ever been to my dreams and I could almost taste the happiness of achieving it.

I reached Mumbai and saw my uncle.  It wasn’t what I expected.  Everything was so fast paced and everyone seemed to be in a hurry.  We stayed in a flat with seven other men and would barely have enough space to cook and eat.  I lived in that flat for six months, missing my mother and father, missing Tatinka and  Lana.  But mostly, I missed Alex.  I knew that Alex would find a way to get to our dreams.

But where was Alex?

So by the seventh month, my uncle took me to a recruitment agency.  He told me that there was hope for my employment.  It was a small office with a man sitting behind his table, smoking.  He looked down at me and tapped his fingers on the table while my uncle answered all his questions humbly.

“Is this him?” he asked.

“Yes,” My uncle replied,

“200 rupees”

“Oh, Thank you very much, sir, thank you”

The next thing I knew, I was signing employment papers.  I didn’t quite understand why my uncle had to pay him for my employment.  I can be employed based on my skills and knowledge.  I am, after all, the “good boy who can do wonders.”  I knew I will be employed in a foreign country and my heart skipped a beat: I will finally be in a plane!  I will finally see how a plane flies, and I will meet the pilot.  I was truly getting closer to my dream.

A week later, my uncle took me to my family for a quick visit because I won’t be able to see them for the upcoming two years.  I cried, my mother said she can’t wait to see me again and wanted to get me married as soon as I got back.  Tatinka and Lana made me promise to call them everyday and were envious.  My father looked content.  He told me that I finally understood my duties and he is proud of the man I’ve become.

And before I left, my mom gave me a pat on the back and called me her “good boy who can do wonders.”

I left home with my dreams packed away with my lunch.  I looked forward to this trip all my life.  I thought of Alex who was covered in soil as he wished me farewell.  He said he will try to come along but his mother found him a good wife and he will be wed next month.  I knew he gave up on his dreams when I looked into his sad eyes.

When I reached my destination, I was shocked.  I didn’t meet the pilot.  I was shoved around like a piece of nothingness when I stood in the middle of the airport in awe.  I was screamed at, scolded, and looked down at when I sat down to eat my lunch.  I didn’t know why people were so mean.

And when I got to the country I was employed in, my dreams shattered.

I was apparently employed as a construction worker.  That night I couldn’t sleep in the shared accommodation.  I missed my old life.  I missed when Alex and I dreamed.  Then it hit me.  Everything my father said was true.  He never said I was going to be a pilot.  He never said life was easy.  He never lied.  I just never listened.

It’s ironic how the “good boy who can do wonders” ends up being a construction worker in a faraway country.  It’s ironic how climbing on top of buildings is the closest I will ever get to flying.  I was tired, homesick, and heartbroken.

I cried…

Then I heard a little voice next to me “pssst… are you okay?  What’s your name?”

“George,” I answered

“I’m Jon.  What’s wrong?”

“I never thought I’d work in construction.  I had big dreams for myself.  Didn’t you?”

Jon snickered,” I wanted to be an engineer.  You?”

“Pilot”

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Fear, Terror, and Disbelief

Residents-in-Cebu-City

It was like any other day for Kevin as he sat at his desk entering the sales numbers with his mind wandering off to the weekend. He would sleep in for a couple of hours before taking the girls out to their friend’s birthday party.  He wanted to spend time with them since he gets home very late during the week and they’re already in bed, sleeping peacefully.  He knew that someday he would regret not being there.  He grew up in a home where his father was also never available, just trying to make a good life for the family.  Now he was doing the same and feels guilty because he knows the consequences.  He knows that they will forever wonder whether or not he loved them and will always come to the conclusion that their father loved his work more.  It was so sad to think of but he couldn’t do anything about it.  The company pays him well and without a college degree, he was thankful to have found a job like this.

What Kevin tries to do to compensate is spend as much time as he can with the girls during the weekends.  It was their time and he was always looking forward to hear about how their week was and what drastic and amazing things happened at school.  He needed to ask about the little boy who had chicken pox marks and whether or not the kids stopped calling him Leopard.  It wasn’t such a bad nickname, he thought to himself, it would actually be intriguing once he reaches high school.

Kevin was lost in thought when it happened.  It was surreal and totally unexpected.  He felt the table shake from under him for a split second.  That’s strange, he thought to himself.  He looked at his mug next to the keyboard and his mind went blank when he saw it shake.  It happened so quickly, he didn’t have the chance to digest the fact that an earthquake just hit the city.  He didn’t know what to think or feel when he saw the side of the building collapse.  It was just seconds ago when his colleague was sitting at his desk working and now the colleague, desk, and half the building was lost to nothingness.  He felt the sunlight shine through and take place of what was just florescent lights.

He froze.

Then everyone screamed.

It was mayhem.  Everyone was running around screaming like headless chickens, with their minds totally dysfunctional.  He stood in awe, frozen and blank.  Come on, Kevin, MOVE!  His friend said, pushing him towards the door.  He starting running.  Where should I go?  What just happened?  He wondered.  Stairs.  I must get to the stairs.  Yes, that’s where everyone seems to be going.

He followed the group to the stairs and started walking down.  They reached the third floor and the person in front halted suddenly.  There were no stairs.  Wreckage covered the steps and everyone was panicking.

“What shall we do?!”  Someone screamed.

We have to get out before the building collapses!  Half of it is already gone, I don’t think it can stay up with half of it gone.

Dan?  Have you seen Dan?  Dan! DAN!

Kevin was concentrating on finding a way around the rubble.  Help me up, try to push me up.  We don’t have to go around it, we can go over.

They started pushing each other over the wreckage.  Shoes were discarded, clothes were covered in dust, faces were distressed and alarmed, and Kevin had one thought on his mind: his family.

The people in the building barely made it out in time before they felt another earthquake.  The aftershock, he thought, I remember teaching Laura about it last year.

He started running towards the havoc that was once a very normal and fairly quiet street.  He looked up at the building, it was cracked open like an egg with one half on the ground.  He heard screams coming from under the rubble and he saw his coworker run towards the screams. Dan!  He heard her scream.  Dan! She was covered in grey dust but continued to look for Dan.

I must look for my family, Kevin thought.

He looked for his car keys and realized that he left them in the office.  He looked at the roads  and decided he couldn’t have used the car anyway.  Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.  The earthquake was over but the it was still the beginning for him.

He ran towards the school.  He didn’t want to think of the possibility that something happened to his wife.  He wanted to believe that she was fine and she was also thinking of their daughters.  She would be running to the school too.  He thought to himself.  Mindy’s fine, she’s a strong woman.  I’ll meet her there. 

The school was worse than his office building.  He heard the children cries from a distance and the teachers trying to calm them down with worried voices.  Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.  The paramedics were rushing in and trying to get everyone seated and teachers were counting and recounting the students.  Ms. Addison from the administration was running as fast as her little feet would take her with papers.  She went from one teacher to the next handing them out: they were the attendance sheet.  Great, Kevin thought, I can find my girls.

Ms. Addison, he said, jogging by her side.  Would you happen to know which class my girls are in?  Where can I find them? She apologized for not being to help and muttered something that sounded like a little prayer under her breath.  He looked at the children’s faces just in case he sees someone he recognizes.  Then he saw them.  Two little girls huddled under a tree with their faces buried in a hug.  He knew it was them and ran.  Laura!! Stephanie!  He screamed but they didn’t hear him.  He screamed again and they lifted their heads.  He saw tears running down both of their identical faces and felt so helpless yet relieved.

He hugged them both tightly to stop the trembling.  It’s OK, you’re alright.  We’re all alright.

It took them a few minutes to calm down.  They didn’t share what they saw nor did they talk about what they felt. Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.  They just held onto one another while being carried by their dad.  Then Laura said, “is mommy OK?” ” I don’t know, I’m sure she is” Kevin answered and held onto hope.

They went over to the paramedics.  Sir, let me check the little girls, please.  The medic checked reflexes and asked them a few questions.  “All clear, sir”

“Could we have someone drop us home?”

“Sorry, sir, we are working as fast as we can but we can’t move any of our units, there are five kids missing.”

Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.

Laura and Stephanie started crying.  It took Kevin a while to figure out that the missing children were in their class.  Leopard was one of them.  Ms. Addison came back and assigned Kevin a few children to take care of and he gladly obliged.  He never knew she would be strong in difficult situations, never knew that a person so small in size can sum up enough courage to keep people calm.  He looked into her eyes and expected to see a hero.  Fear, terror, and disbelief.

Kevin tried calling his wife but the network wasn’t working.  He thought it would probably take a few days to get it up and running.  He looked at the time, his wife should have been here by now.  He knew that she would be worried about the girls.

Then he started getting worried about her.  Really worried.

He looked over at the children and wondered where their parents were at.  Then it hit him, some of their parents might not come to get them.  Some of them might be stuck in the rubble.  He recalled the screams, Dan! Dan!  Then realized that Dan was sitting on the Eastern side of the building, the side that fell.  He realized that Dan also had a family that was worried about him.  Where is Dan now?  Where is Mindy now?

He started praying.  Praying for the parents, praying for the five missing children, praying for the loved ones, praying for his wife, praying for Dan, praying for the young and old.  He thought of the hospital and the people there.  He hoped nothing happened to the hospital.  It was a normal day, doctors had operations scheduled and could have been in the operation rooms.  What happened!?  He wondered in shock.

He looked up at the sky.  It was late afternoon and people were still scurrying.  Children weren’t crying as much: some were taken home by their parents and some just gave up and went to sleep.  He looked at his two angels who were playing with some grass.  He thought of his wife, where are you!?

It was getting late and he had to go home.  He had to check on his wife.  She could have been home and had something fall on her!  She might have been stuck all that time while he was waiting for her.

The last of the children under his supervision were picked up and he went over to the medics.  She drove them home. Throughout the way, Kevin prayed and prayed.  Trees were fallen on the ground and parts of buildings and homes were scattered across the roads.  Some people were still walking around and Kevin could hear parts of their conversations.  Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.

They reached home.  The lights were on and the two girls were running towards the door as it was suddenly opened. He looked at the figure in the doorway and realized it wasn’t his wife.  Where’s mommy?! They asked, scared.

In the distance, he could still hear the cries of his coworker in his mind, Dan! Dan! Dan!

Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.

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Before It’s Too Late

beach heart

 

Find the person you love

the one you don’t see

the one who is always

been your given fate.

Tell him you love him

give it all that you’ve got

hold on to him close

before it’s too late.

 

Don’t think of the words

don’t mind broken hearts

the issue is your happiness,

your life, and your fate.

Tell him you love him

give it all that you’ve got

hold onto him close

before it’s too late.

 

Your mind will play tricks

It’s so hard to see

the path is so dark

take a leap of faith.

Tell him you love him

give it all that you’ve got

hold onto him close

before it’s too late.

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