Search

Bedoor Bluemoon

Everyday writing to expose the soul

Life as a Fraud- Inferiority Complex

Fraud

inferiority-Complex.jpg

They say confidence is key.  Key to what, I wonder as I put on my beige dress.  Here I am getting ready to graduate at the top of my class from a great university and I still wonder how did I get here?  I never thought I was the sharpest tool in the box (is that how the saying goes?) and I never really did so great in school; and yet I got accepted in the state university on a full scholarship.  I remember joking with the counselor who insisted I apply for the scholarship telling me that I was a great student and all universities would love to have me.  I thought he was joking but I got nudged into it by my mom who held the camera as I played the violin.  I missed a few notes but didn’t feel like redoing the whole thing, so I sent in the tape with all the mistakes.

A few months later, I got the acceptance letter and felt ecstatic.  Scared, but happy.  Then my complex kicked in: am I as good as they think I am?  Am I really worth the money they’d be throwing away?

I walked around campus those four years trying to keep to myself most of the time but it was evident that things cannot go unnoticed.  My high grades got me on the honors roll and I was turned into one of the university teaching assistants and library buddy.  I was also playing the violin in university performances and was given awards for “best performance” and “Classical music guru”.  Yet I kept wondering what they see in me.  What can they see that I can’t?

When things go against my will, I understand.  I live in that unknown and thrive in knowing nobody is watching.  Then I excel, and everybody watches… and I start questioning.

Am I a fraud?  Am I an illusionist who has everyone scammed into believing I am made of something that I am not?

Then I look around, and see people who have accomplished less than I have, look half as good as I do, and are less talented but who are booming with confidence.  I choose to keep quiet in seminars, even though I know the answers before anyone raises their hand.  I try to live in the shadows of my doubt, to live behind those who are in their fuschia and turquoise dresses, screaming for attention.  I choose to stay in the shadows where only those who are looking for perfection would find me, could find me.  They would take me out, polish me a bit, and stand in awe at who I am.

And then, as I stand glistening in the sun, I will still wonder if I’m a real diamond… or a fraud.

Advertisements

A Man Of All Men

As I lay my children

down to sleep

and pray the lord

their souls to keep,

outside all mourners

dressed in black

chant and grieve

and cry and weep.

: :

For on these days

so long ago

our faith bestowed

Itself so deep,

a battle and swords

and hearts of gold

fighting to keep religion

alive and complete.

: :

Outnumbered they were

one thousand to one

it wasn’t so easy

in all of the heat,

no water to drink

no mercy at all

from the army that’s filled

with lies and deceit.

: :

A man of all men

pure of heart and descent

approached the enemies with kindness

asking for their retreat,

‘Kill me not,’ he said

I fear for your souls

for you: eternal happiness

paradise so sweet.

: :

Their answer was clear

they all aimed their spears

to child, to nephew

to all the elite,

murdering them all

in one afternoon brawl

assassins of darkness

of bloody conceit.

: :

Thinking with death

they will put out the light

that theirs was a simple

and easy defeat,

what they didn’t know

people will always recall

the story of a man,

his thirst, and the heat.

: :

A man of all men

pure of heart and descent

lived a life of virtue

against those who mistreat,

a man of all men

pure of heart and descent

lives on in our hearts

with a sacrifice so complete.

.

For more info on the battle, click the link: 
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Karbala

Emptiness

Source: Writing Prompt #308

 

depression-1-1

It was just an urge that he’d acted on, he’d punched the window and now he was standing in a pool of shards.  He was looking for any other feeling besides the feeling of emptiness that has consumed him for  years now.  This was not a good day for him; he had better days when he felt like he had some control over his life.  But today was different, today was just black.

He woke up this morning with emptiness around him.  The feeling of grief consuming him even though he didn’t lose any loved one.  The pit of his stomach seemed so heavy, his heart felt burdened, and his breathing stressed.  All these feelings even though he had a good night sleep.  He felt afraid, no, he felt very afraid to get out of bed.  He felt the ground was filled with demons, red hot fire burning around the sanctuary of his bed.  He tried to pull the covers over himself and felt weaker.  His anxiety started and he was soon out breath.  He didn’t know whether to leave his bed and die or stay in and die as well.

It was a bad day.  He pulled himself out of bed and still felt the emptiness and fear.  He felt alone, scared, and lost.  He was floating in the abyss and can see himself walk across the room, hunched down, and sad.  He wanted to shake himself into feeling something, anything, and didn’t know what to do.  He floated down to his body, looked straight into his dark eyes and saw nothing.  He peered down into the shell of his body and saw no soul anymore.  A body consumed by nothingness: no hope, no dreams, no nothing.  He looked and found nothing.

And he walked to the window, thinking that maybe the sunny day would lift his spirits. Huh, what spirit?  There’s nothing there.  It was gone, he was gone.  He hoped the sun would work.  On the way, he turned on the music and played one of his favorite songs so maybe, just maybe, something would flicker in the shadows.  But nothing flickered.  He reached the window and punched… but felt nothing except his depression.

The Lost Boy

(writing prompt #304. https://purpldragon.wordpress.com/2017/09/14/writing-prompt-304/)

Source: Writing Prompt #304
1157_5afe3c892fd0dfbe37f094624f52bbe6

He watched through the window as his mother tucked his half-sister in bed and kiss his step father goodnight, then he turned and vanished into the night.  It was a daily ritual for Tom since he ran away from his father’s house six months ago.  His father was an alcoholic who, in his opinion, probably didn’t even realize he wasn’t around.  He was living bad days and worse nights when his father would come back from the bar and wake Tom up from his sleep just to start beating him.  One night, Tom decided it was enough, he was going to go live with his mother instead.

His mother always wanted him in her life.  She never gave him up, on the contrary she fought hard to gain custody of Tom but it was all because Tom’s dad knew how to best beat the system that she lost him.  She cried so hard knowing that her ex-husband didn’t really care about Tom, he only wanted to hurt her by taking him away.

That was five years ago.

Tom lived with his dad and was neglected from day one.  He was abused verbally all the time, listening to how he was the reason his parents got a divorce and why it would have been better if he were never born.  He went to school after he made his own breakfast, changed, and packed whatever junk was available at home.  The place was a mess and Tom tried to keep it clean as hard as any eight year old boy can.  He missed his mother.

Running away was the best thing he did.  It wasn’t like he was living in a better place but at least the homeless man had more paternal instincts and started sharing everything with him.  During the day, Tom would try to sell anything to get some money and buy some food to settle his rumbling stomach and share what little he has with the homeless man.

He wanted to go directly to his mother and that’s when his new habit started.  He reached her new home at seven p.m. one night and saw her new family gathered around the dinner table.  He could smell the roasted chicken but something in him stopped him from ringing the doorbell.  He didn’t want to ruin the beautiful picture with his dirty boots and jacket.  From then on, he continued to watch his mother live her life while he lived his.  She never saw him behind the bushes.

One day, Tom fell asleep watching his mother and step dad watching a movie.  He wanted to feel as if he were a part of her life again.  He sat down and watched from afar until his eyelids could no longer stay open.

He woke up the next morning indoors, on a bed, and with mother’s arms around him.  He knew her smell very well and couldn’t believe it.  He turned around and saw her smiling into his face.

“How long have you known that I’m watching?”

“Just last night.  Do you think I’d let you go if I ever found you?”

Scars and Stretch Marks

tattoo

Many people prefer to hide their scars and stretchmarks not keeping in mind that they make us who we are.  We are all born the same: an empty canvas which awaits what life brings upon us and which can be showcased to our grandchildren.  Yes, scars remind us of the times we learned and stretchmarks remind us of the times we grew.

Scars.

Physical scars from childhood reminding us not to take that route,  not to climb that tree, and not to play with those kids.  Physical scars from adulthood reminding us not to take that route (yes, again), not to forget the seat belt, and not to talk to that guy.  Emotional scars from childhood and during adulthood reminding us that best friends may change, boyfriends may cheat, and loved ones may die.  Scars that represent lessons in life, that tell a story of where we have been and where we once longed to be.  Scars tattooed all over our bodies and souls making us human.

Scars that cannot be covered.

And stretchmarks.  Representing the times we changed and grew: gaining weight after high school, losing weight when you realize that weight you gained was a bit too much, growing less confident, growing more confident, pregnancy and motherhood, changing what we believe, changing who we believe, changing who we are.  All those changes are changes to our skin and our minds.  Not accepting to change means that we are made out of stone and are no humans.  Not all change is evident but a simple change makes a big difference in our humanity.

 

I do not wish to hide my scars nor my stretchmarks.  On the contrary, I wish to show everyone all my wounds, to show how alike we are and how human we can be.  I accept the lessons in my life and thank the growth that they brought upon me: work less, love more, and be gentle.

Peace

Magnetic

meditation-aids-healing

You are a magnet to all the beautiful and good things in life.  Love, laughter, joy, money, success, are all being drawn to you.  You are powerful in yourself.  You have in you the power to heal yourself and others all through your mind.

You are powerful.

And I am powerful.

And the person sitting next to you at work is powerful.  And the person sitting in his house halfway across the globe is powerful too.  Every person is given the power to change and alter his universe through the meditation and mindfulness that places him in the now.  Meditation and mindfulness that turns us into magnets for the good that we want and hope for.

Meditation and mindfulness strong enough to gather all the strength of the universe in the center of your being, thereby pulling towards you all goodness found around, and releasing it to others in the form of love.

Loving kindness meditation, a Buddhist tradition, is when a person concentrates on sending love and kindness towards another.  We often find ourselves thinking of loved ones when we are away from them, so knowing that we can send them love is heartwarming.  Knowing that there is love being sent your way is heartwarming too, someone thinking of you and wishing you are well.

So if everyone is a magnet, and everyone can send and receive love, ideally we can get rid of all things bad around.  If love is in the air, literally, thoughts of love flying from one person to another, the world that is filled with hatred and discrimination and war must deteriorate.  If thoughts are our most powerful force, and humans are the most powerful vessel for such a force, we should be able to get rid of darkness through love.

Meditating and mindfulness, thoughts of love, loving kindness meditation, are all arms and tools we shouldn’t ignore when facing wars.

Because what can be more beautiful than forces of love towards a fellow human?

What do you wish for?  World peace.

Dignify our Elders

Dignify

image

When you think of old age, you either think of someone else or of a funny meme you saw online of an elder doing something funny or technology related which, in your opinion, is purely cute or basically obscene.  It is never that we think that we, one day, will be old in our age and will have to consider how the younger generation perceives us.

You see, how old you are in your mind varies from one person to the next.  I always saw myself as a late teenager/early twenties person.  My sister always perceived herself as she were, and a friend of mine saw herself as an older person.  (In Your Mind, How Old Are You?)

It is not a joke when you start having grey hair.  Thank you, mom, for the great genes (yaay).  It is also not a joke when you get diagnosed with high blood pressure, kidney stones, diabetes, heart conditions, and all the fun stuff that are pointing towards the way life is flying by.  This is not a post to make you seize the moment, by all means, carpedium all day.  This is a post for you to consider those elders in your lives and what they feel.

Their bodies are not as strong as they used to be.  Imagine how that would make you feel?  They can’t see as well, start losing a bit of hearing, and some start forgetting words.

No.  It’s not very dignified.

And we come in, all young and stupid acting like we know best.  Some have lived through wars, seen how life changes, lost loved ones and families, and yet we come in, all young and stupid acting like we know best.  Acting like our limited knowledge of how smart phones work gives us the power to know.

No.

It doesn’t.

Just because they ask us how to download their emails or they believe everything they see on social media doesn’t make them any less.  It makes them more.

They are pure in heart, pure in soul.  Lived longer and seen more.  Wiser, warmer, and much better than we ever will be.  And we will only know their worth when they are gone.

God bless our loved elders who still have patience in all our foolishness and childishness.

Dignify your elders and you will be dignified.

Synchronization at Work

Synchronize

synchronized swimming

It is well known that companies must work towards a common goal.  The company’s mission statement and vision cascades down into department goals and measurable KPIs (key performance indicators) and further into individual employee goals.  Everyone in the company must understand what they are working towards and how they fit in the big picture.

In 1962, John F. Kennedy visited NASA and met a janitor on his tour.  He stopped the tour, introduced himself, and asked him what he was doing.  The janitor replied, “I’m helping put a man on the moon.” You see, the janitor knew his role in the organization and was able to articulate it.

How many employees don’t know what they’re doing?  It’s easy for employees who work in non-profit organizations to have a sense of meaning in their job, or employees who work in the medical field and other roles, but what about employees who work in the banking sector, for instance?  What about those working for insurance companies?  What’s their role?  Well, Mr. President, we are here to put some fear into people and make them bet they won’t die in 10 years.”  Doesn’t really fit, does it?

In organizations, it is crucial to communicate the goal (mission/vision) of the organization.  You can’t expect employees to have a sense of meaning without informing them because someone else might inform them something different.  How many times were rumors the only source of information for employees?  When induction training isn’t given importance, new hires are getting their induction training elsewhere and you, as a manager, can’t control what information they are being fed.  Therefore, induction training is needed to start the communication channels.

Open communication during the employment is also important.  Managers must discuss employee’s goals or performance plan in the beginning of every cycle, explain the expected outcomes, follow up during the cycle, and finally discuss the results at the end of the cycle.  This ensures that the employee is kept informed throughout his employment of his expected performance.

It is ideal to be able to measure performance and make sure it is in line with the organizational goals.  It is also important that companies understand that when outsiders contact one person from that company, he/she is representing the company and not him/herself.  The company is seen as a whole entity where individual employees are a part of the bigger picture.  It is important for managers to keep everyone synchronized (in sync) regardless of the many times that they may feel like they will miss a step or even drown.

In the end, it is how you portray yourself as a company.  Should you have the bad swimmers thrown off your team?  Should you be expected to learn new moves and get out of the water smiling?  And should you be able to jump through hoops and perform hand stands to make your customers happy?

And what if you’re a monopoly?  Would any of this matter or should we expect to watch a very bad show?

Synchronize your employees, the show must go on.

 

Shimmer- Makeup Trends

Shimmer

I remember back in middle school when over the summer holidays we were blessed with oily skin and growth spurts.  Sadly, my name didn’t come up in the “Growth Spurt” list but I was compensated with the oily skin three times.  It was crazy.  The amount of care you need to put to dab the oil from your skin was ridiculous.  The magazines we read had information on how to find out what your skin type was, like it wasn’t obvious.  Wash your face and take a piece of tissue/cotton/can’t remember what we needed, and place it on your face 20 minutes afterwards to see if there is any oily residue.  The problem was we were all a bunch of teenagers with hormones that can drown you and skin that makes you cringe so we were all (combination skin).  Powder paper from the Body Shop was our best friend even though it keeps running out of stock.

Learning how to beautify yourself was very difficult given the minimum media available.  Besides magazines, there were only books, TV shows, and advertisements you see in shops.  Nowadays, beautifying yourself is a way of life for some fashionistas who, in addition to makeup artists, promote products like primers and matifying BB creams for those who have a problem with oily skin.

Then someone decided the “shimmer” was a good thing (hence the vampire gif) and EVERYONE wanted to shine.

Shine- Aswad

Apparently if you go through media nowadays, there are specific areas which need to shine for you to have a good glow.  Call me outdated but I was surprised when I saw people adding shine on their nose.  I’VE BEEN DABBING MY NOSE FOR SO LONG, WHEN DID THIS TURN TO FASHION???

Now I believe that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and lo and behold I hope being fat becomes a fashion statement 🙂

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑