Search

Bedoor Bluemoon

Everyday writing to expose the soul

Category

Personal

Blink- A Mother’s Fear

Blink

blink

Don’t blink or you’ll miss it.  It seems like it was yesterday that I gave birth to my first born and just delivered my second this morning.  It seems like I was holding onto them in the hospital wondering how I can do this, how and when did I become a mom.  Cradling them in my arms and holding on tight in fear that I miss a blink.  Watching their face and lips and fingers and promising that I will always be there.

Then I blinked.

And here I am planning my first boy’s birthday party.  You see, he wants a pirate themed party because at four years of age he can talk and decide.  He comes to me with feelings and ideas and jokes and pranks.  Wasn’t he just my newborn?  Wasn’t I rocking him to sleep and trying to figure out how to put his diaper on?  Wasn’t I scared to give him a bath all by myself and felt that great achievement when I finally summed up the courage?  Where did that baby go?

Then I blinked.

And my second boy was walking and talking.  He’s a funny fellow who imitates everything he sees and loves to dance.  He too has things he likes and he too can decide whether he wants to go out or stay in (he always decides to go out of course.)  Where did my baby go?  Wasn’t I crying for fear of not being there for him, for fear of not giving him the care I gave his brother, the undivided attention and the hours spent alone?  When did he grow up and what did he eat?

And now I am too afraid to blink.

Too afraid to miss a milestone, too afraid to miss out on a smile or a tear.  I am too afraid to be unavailable, to not know what they feel or what they like.  I am too afraid to miss out on the hours of the days that make them happy, too afraid to have someone else influence them.  There’s so much to do and so little time.

How can I schedule music classes, self defense classes, homework, and fun time when they’re older?  It’s all fun time and I barely seem to be holding on to my sanity.  It’s all fun time and I miss them at the end of every single tiring day.

Oh yes, the days are long… sometimes much too long… much too tiresome but in the end they are limited.  Create memories one day at a time and honestly, try not to blink.

Advertisements

and Finally, Thank You

Finally

Happy-New-Year-Images.jpg
Last year, I posted my Gratitude post wishing everyone a happy new year and remembering all things I am grateful for.  This year, I would like to dedicate my post to the readers of my post who have been a big part of my life.

 

I write because I want to be heard.  Sometimes it is hard to say something and other times it’s harder to find the right person to talk to.  So when I am sitting behind a laptop I enter another world.  A world of words, a world of sentences, poetry, prose, and stories.

Thank you for the likes, the comments, and the follows.  Thank you for the prompts, other blogs, and for the reblogs.  Thank you for your support.

And finally, 2032 views, 1368 visitors, 354 likes, 50 comments, and 60 posts later…  thank you, 2017, for being kind.

Wishing you all a happy and prosperous new year 2018.

Confess

Confess

sunset-beach-wedding

Confess yourself:

let my eyes see what they long to see

and my ears hear your innermost desires.

Open your soul to me

watch closely as I tread into the folds of your being

and pick memory after memory to read.

 

Confess yourself:

let my being merge with yours

and my hands touch your unfulfilled dreams.

Allow my entrance

into the make-believe life you created

and water the flowers on your bed.

 

Confess yourself:

let me understand your deepest thoughts

and my soul drink from the lips of your eternity.

Allow my intrusion

for I have lost everything I am

when I found you.

 

Traitor- Torn in Two

Torn

Torn in two I ask myself

what did I do?

Not knowing how or when or why

but just cry

enjoyed the conversation at first

but now it hurts

and hurts and hurts…

Feel like I turned into a traitor

I’m now a stranger

not knowing the reason behind it all

did my soul call?

I ask myself what did I gain?

A heart that pains

and pains and pains…

Slowly see myself fade away

self, please stay

answer these questions for me, then go

I want to know.

Wishing to know, and hope I try

but slowly I die

and die and die…

– Dreams of a Blue Moon

Self Perception

Elegance

model-clipart-womens-7

With the bombardment of young, skinny, and tall girl pictures on every conceivable media, we normal people start questioning ourselves.  The idea that these images are photoshopped just helps us sleep at night as we try to ignore the gorgeous girls we meet face to face in reality.  Well, guess what?  It doesn’t matter how these women look, it matters how you perceive yourself.

Right?  Isn’t this what we are told to teach our daughters?  Aren’t we supposed to show them that inner beauty is all that matters even though snapchat filters are great for your pride?  Images of 14 year old girls then vs. 14 year old now are hilarious and yet, so not hilarious because of what they represent. Maybe she’s born with it?  Maybe it’s makeup or maybe it’s plastic surgery.

In my brainwashed mind, I’ve come to perceive tall and skinny as beautiful and elegant.  When a tall and skinny lady wears a dress, it looks good.  It basically falls on her with so much grace that the short and stubby will never have because when she wants to wear a long dress she needs to have it first altered to be her length and then she needs to buy grandiose heels to compensate for the lack of height.  She also needs a corset or a ridiculous diet for a few years in advance.

Also, tall girls have longer legs.  Do you understand that?  They have more “leg”.  They also have more “arm” and more “torso”.  So their weight gets divided around and the 150 pound tall girl looks great but when it comes to the 150 pound short girl she “needs to lay off the carbs.”

Well, in my mind, I am tall and skinny.  I will always love to eat my carbs and I will always have less “leg, arms, and torso” to distribute my weight.  Because of my predisposition towards elegance being for the tall and skinny, I think I have altered my self perception to that of a model because I don’t hate myself.  I actually like myself very much and don’t mind the extra pounds around.

Yes, in my mind I’m tall, skinny and elegant.  #grateful

Rain

From Dreams of a Blue Moon

rain

Walking on the street

under the pouring rain

nothing seems sane

all are insane.

 

Walking on the street

under the pouring rain

people with hearts

people with brains.

 

Walking on the street

under the pouring rain

people in hugs

people in chains.

 

Walking on the street

under the pouring rain

people who lose

people who gain.

 

Walking on the street

under the pouring rain

people in pain

people in pain.

 

انتظرني

man-on-train-station-mateja-hrvacic

انتظرني

عندما تصل إلى نهاية الطريق

وتلقى نفسك وحيدا

اعلم بأنني سآتي

سأكون معك دوما

انتظرني

لأن وصولي قد يتأخر قليلا… أو كثيرا

فلا تلمني على ذلك

ولم الدنيا التي باعدتني عنك

وباعدتك عني

 

انتظرني عندما تحن النهاية

وتضطر ارواحنا إلى الفراق

فهذه دنيا الفناء

وأوقاتنا محدودة

فنعيش

ونعشق

ونبكي

ونندم

ونعود للعشق مرة اخرى

فانتظرني

لأنني اشتاق إلى الرحيل

انتظرني

عند مفترق الطرق

عند بداية الخلود ونهاية الدنيا

انتظرني ومعك باقة من الورد

فأتوق لتلك الوردة البيضاء من يدك

انتظرني

وابتسامتك تعلو وجهك الجميل

فحياتي بدونك صعبة

وعيني لا ترى أي شيئ جميل

سواك

انتظرني عندما يكتمل العمر

ونلقى بأنفسنا في تلك الحفرة الظلماء

انتظرني

عندما تتعب أرواحنا من الاستمرار

والبحث

وتستسلم قلوبنا

من كل شيئ

ونتحول إلى اللا شيئ

عندها

سأكون معك

فانتظرني

Don’t Look Back

One-Way

 

looking-back

Life takes us forward for a reason.  Things that happened in the past should stay in the past; you should only carry the lessons you learned forward.  People you once knew and no longer know shouldn’t be thought of, you are just wasting your time paying attention to a minor detail that no longer matters in the course of your life.

Seize your day.   Be happy where you are and live in the moment.  There are many things we take for granted and cannot see because our eyes are focused on the rear view mirror.  Life is a one way street that needs to be treasured.  It is the journey that matters, the only journey you will have, so make it count.

Laugh with your loved one.  Don’t let your pride stand in the way.  Apologize when you’ve made a mistake because nothing matters.  Hold values in the center of your being and make sure nothing alters what you’re truly made of.

A one way street, focus forward.

 

Life as a Fraud- Inferiority Complex

Fraud

inferiority-Complex.jpg

They say confidence is key.  Key to what, I wonder as I put on my beige dress.  Here I am getting ready to graduate at the top of my class from a great university and I still wonder how did I get here?  I never thought I was the sharpest tool in the box (is that how the saying goes?) and I never really did so great in school; and yet I got accepted in the state university on a full scholarship.  I remember joking with the counselor who insisted I apply for the scholarship telling me that I was a great student and all universities would love to have me.  I thought he was joking but I got nudged into it by my mom who held the camera as I played the violin.  I missed a few notes but didn’t feel like redoing the whole thing, so I sent in the tape with all the mistakes.

A few months later, I got the acceptance letter and felt ecstatic.  Scared, but happy.  Then my complex kicked in: am I as good as they think I am?  Am I really worth the money they’d be throwing away?

I walked around campus those four years trying to keep to myself most of the time but it was evident that things cannot go unnoticed.  My high grades got me on the honors roll and I was turned into one of the university teaching assistants and library buddy.  I was also playing the violin in university performances and was given awards for “best performance” and “Classical music guru”.  Yet I kept wondering what they see in me.  What can they see that I can’t?

When things go against my will, I understand.  I live in that unknown and thrive in knowing nobody is watching.  Then I excel, and everybody watches… and I start questioning.

Am I a fraud?  Am I an illusionist who has everyone scammed into believing I am made of something that I am not?

Then I look around, and see people who have accomplished less than I have, look half as good as I do, and are less talented but who are booming with confidence.  I choose to keep quiet in seminars, even though I know the answers before anyone raises their hand.  I try to live in the shadows of my doubt, to live behind those who are in their fuschia and turquoise dresses, screaming for attention.  I choose to stay in the shadows where only those who are looking for perfection would find me, could find me.  They would take me out, polish me a bit, and stand in awe at who I am.

And then, as I stand glistening in the sun, I will still wonder if I’m a real diamond… or a fraud.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑