Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions. Its one of the life changing events when you walk down the aisle and realize that you’re finally becoming whole, finally becoming one with the person your heart always searched for, the person you chose to spend the rest of your your life with.
But for me, walking down the aisle I imagined someone say ‘dead man walking’ and people giving me looks of sadness and dismay.
You see, I’m not getting married because I wanted to, I’m getting married because I have to. For my family, for my social status, and for my sanity.
I found out I was gay when I was a teenager. I know many of you will not accept me for who I am but I faced this reality a long time ago. I was a homosexual before homosexuality became accepted by society and, to this day, many people in my social circle ignore homosexuals and always have negative things to say about them. So I sit in the cafe with a few of my friends or relatives who have no clue about my entity and they would diss all homosexuals around. It’s not a nice feeling to be forced in the closet, sometimes I wish I would just leave the country and start somewhere new…
But I can’t.
I’ve already established myself and my career and it would break my mother’s heart if I left. I recalled the years I spent in the US, it was the best time of my life. I was who I really was, I didn’t have to change, I didn’t have to hide, and I didn’t have to act.
And today is the grand finale.
At 43, all excuses of delays in marriage were worn out. My sister says she wishes to see me settled, my mother cries telling me she wants to see my children before she dies, and my father says he wants a grandson to carry his name. I gave all excuses I could but it was finally time to give in.
I was set up with a few nice girls. Some may have even been great friends but I knew that I needed someone who will understand me without telling her. Someone who is getting into this marriage also for a family, social status, and sanity. It happened after I was rejected by someone whose family guessed my sexual tendencies and I honestly couldn’t look them in the eye. I had to make up some excuse but was relieved that she rejected me: maybe I didn’t have to get married anymore.
The next day after the rejection as I was browsing the net, I got a call. It was from one of her friends. I was surprised because we never exchanged more than a few pleasantries. She started telling me how sorry she felt that I was rejected and what an idiot her friend was. I didn’t quite know what was the purpose of the call because I was too preoccupied that time with dating a new guy. She continued to call me for the next couple of days and started dropping hints… It took a few weeks but I finally understood.
She didn’t want to be considered a spinster. She wanted to start a family and settle in with someone…anyone. She wanted to invite people over to her new house and play the hostess to grand dinners and parties. She wanted the status of being married more that being married.
So we decided it was the best thing to be done. She never told me that she had any conception of me being gay nor did she ask. I’m not sure if she doesn’t see it or chooses not to see it. I don’t know if I should feel more sorry for her or myself.
A match made in the social circle.
To stop people from guessing what they already know and to establish something from nothing.
Walking down the aisle I see my family, heads up and proud. I see my friends with their wives and children, and I see my new boyfriend.
He knows that this is a great act. I jump up, acting all happy and getting everyone excited.
Then settle. A fake smile pasted on my face…
Dead man walking.