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Cranky- A Story

Cranky

sad_man_rnd

He wandered into the break room aiming for the coffee.  He didn’t want to be his normal self nor did he care to greet everyone as usual.  He didn’t care to say good morning to all his colleagues and, why should he, he doesn’t owe them anything.

Everyday, he puts on his suit and drives to work.  He passes smiles to everyone and cares, actually cares enough, to ask how they were feeling and listen to their reply.  He knows that this is the correct thing to do and what is expected of him.  But today is different, he doesn’t want to smile, he doesn’t want to say good morning because it’s not a good morning, and he definitely doesn’t want to make small talk, he just wants his coffee.

It started early.  He woke up on the wrong side of the bed and things just kept rolling in the wrong direction, a small snowball escalating to take over his day.

He was usually a kind and sensitive man.

And yet today was different.  The neighbor’s dog was barking at his own shadow from the wee hours of dawn.  He walked away from the window towards his phone just to see that it had 21% battery life; the switch wasn’t turned on!  He turned on the switch quickly forecasting how much battery he would have once he gets out of the house.  He dropped a big blob of shampoo down the drain and immediately felt sorry for himself: come on who does that!?  He’s a respectable man!

Traffic jam on the way to work, a call from the bank informing him that he must present two IDs as a precaution, and his mother called.  All this before 9 a.m., all this without coffee.

He pressed on, ignoring the smiles, ignoring the eager faces waiting for him to ask how they are, ignoring the urge to turn around and never come back.  Pressed on, knowing that this day isn’t a good day regardless of how hard he tries to convince himself.  Knowing that it’s not a good day to be himself, it just doesn’t feel right.  He glanced at the calendar while pouring himself the cup of coffee and froze.

He finally knew.

He finally knew what his soul was trying to tell him: it was time to renew his vows, time to take away another life, time to sacrifice for the master of Death.

  • No, he thought.  I can’t do it anymore.  
  • You must!- the voice came from within, too real to be imaginary
  • But I have a good life here!
  • It is not an option.  You are to find someone and sacrifice him
  • I don’t want to run away again.  I just started a new position!
  • Who gave you the idea that this is a negotiation.  Start moving, start looking, start hunting
  • I gave you everything
  • And I gave you a chance, a do over.  Would you rather I take her away?
  • No!  I’ll do it.  I’ll do it for Rose.
  • Good morning Tom.  Everyone said you were a bit cranky today.  Do you feel better?
  • Alex, could you please help me?  I can’t seem to figure out what’s going on with the server, would you mind coming along?  I would appreciate another set of eyes.
  • Sure thing

Silence.

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تنسى

landscape-1452636446-breakup

تنسى بأن لي قلب

وتخبرني بأن الحياة معي

جحيم

تنسى بأن لي مشاعر

وتخبرني بأني اوصلتك

للجنون

وتنسى بأن لي روح

وتتمنى أن

نفترق

كيف لك أن تنسى؟

وكيف لي أن اسامح؟

كيف أقسو على نفسي

وقلبي

وروحي؟

فإن لم انتبه لنفسي

فمن لنفسي؟

وإن لم انتبه لقلبي

فمن لقلبي؟

وإن لم انتبه لروحي

فمن لروحي؟

فها هي نفسي تذبل

وقلبي يبكي

وروحي تموت

وأنت… تنسى

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Pause and Forget

Pause

prison

All you need is one second.  A pause where you can regain your strength.  A pause to gather your nothingness into the empty shell of the person you once were.  All you need is a pause to stop your tears from flowing.  A pause to get out of the reality of darkness to the fantasy people call life.

A pause.

A pause to push back the monster eating your insides, to stop your knees from buckling under you, and to avert your eyes from the innocent eyes of the children who see all.  You smile in defiance of the energy building inside you.  The volcano of anger banging in your head anticipating a chance to erupt.  A pause is all it takes to put things into perspective, into the control you learned so long ago to master.

A pause.

To turn your inner shell into a happy smile.  A soulless puppet you always were, reluctant to move its limbs without the guidance of the puppeteer.  A pause to gather your wisdom and hide away the strings attached, no strings attached.

A pause is all it takes to stop yourself from crumbling.  From losing yourself into yourself and from seeing the true you.  A pause to put on the mask, to stop the tears and start the smile.  A pause to calm the tempest you so adore.  The tempest that makes you who you are: filled with anger, rage, passion.  A pause is all it takes to forget yourself and succumb to the chains of your imprisonment.

A pause.

 

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Break Outside your Comfort Zone

comfort zone

When you change nothing, nothing changes.  When life reaches a point where every day is like the day before, things get comfortable.  You know what is expected from you, what you expect from people, and what you will achieve that day.  But in the long run, your achievements will be minimal in relation to the number of days you lived.

So why wait for the change to happen when the factor that is needed is you.  You need to change to enforce change.  You need to do things differently to get higher results or, at least, something else.  Yes, we are all guilty of taking the back seat in our lives but we shouldn’t settle because there are many things out there that can be achieved.

Things you wanted to do before you turned 30 shouldn’t be a list thrown away.  Even though 15 year old you is only living in the past, you owe him/her some respect towards their desires; he/she is still a part of you.  When change happens, everything happens.

Your comfort zone is like your home.  You feel comfortable in it and you stop growing.  You stop learning, and you stop expanding your horizon.  The world is continuously changing and people who follow these trends and accept these changes are no longer prisoners of their fear.  Fear of change and fear of growth.

But how can you be the factor that induces this growth?  Takes you from one phase in life to another?  First, you need to accept the challenge and know your strengths and weaknesses.  You need to identify what you want done, face your biggest fear, your demons, head on.  You need to take one step outside your comfort zone.  Feel uncomfortable: it won’t kill you.

There are many cliche sayings such as “think outside the box” and “there is no box” and “be the change you want to see in the world,” but in my opinion, the best is “There is no spoon”.  Yes, there is no spoon because the boundaries and your fear is all in your head.  For example, let’s assume I am afraid to present in front of a big group.  It’s not an impossible task; many people are capable of doing it and yet my speech starts to slur and I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown.  Now, this contains me in a little bit, taking away possibilities and choices, and reduces my skills by one skill.  Imagine that this goes on to include more skills: networking, socializing, report writing, too scared to watch movies that have to do with death, too scared to read books that have more than 300 pages.  These are all restrictions on ME.  I am actively putting myself in jail and making it smaller by these ridiculous constraints that nobody placed but myself.

So why do it?

Because it’s too scary?

Well, outside is where the magic happens.  Where possibilities are infinite and everything is within reach.  Stepping outside your comfort zone may be hard to start, but after a few steps and familiarizing yourself with your new surroundings, you have a new bigger comfort zone.  One that may have included one thing you consider “magic.”  And you take another step out, and you grow your comfort zone, thereby including more magic in your life.

Stepping outside your comfort zone doesn’t necessarily mean meeting new people, it could mean doing something different.  Skiing, skateboarding, traveling, meditating, taking a journey inwards, taking a journey outwards, reading a new genre, it doesn’t matter.  It only matters that you made the effort to change your days and understand that perception is everything.  You are the only one binding you with unnecessary limits in a place where there are no limits.

Think.  Step outside.  Grow.  Find your magic.  And remember, there is no spoon.

photo_movieMatrix-quoteSpoon

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Lesson #1 at Work

welcome

We’ve all been there.  Our puppy eyes wide open and looking forward to our first day in our job.  We were finally able to convince someone working in the HR department of some company that we actually know what we’re doing and, surprisingly, they take our word for it.  The excitement, the anxiousness,, the butterflies in our stomach, the sleepless night, and the many outfits we tried are all witnesses to our new step.  We don’t just panic, we ARE panic.  We don’t have breakfast that morning and have a coffee instead.  Everything seems to be surreal and amazing.  We walk up to the office and meet the sweet HR lady who, for what we believe, is our only support in the new found land.  We listen intently to every word she says.  Induction… break time… new employee… parking… refrigerator… telephone… the list goes on.  You hear some words and miss out much more. And if your workplace is big, you fear getting lost.

“meet your colleague, XYZ, he is assigned to be your ‘buddy’ and show you around.  For the first two days, just be his shadow.”

And you look in the face of your new friend.  Your only friend in this unknown land and you smile, thinking that this is going to get better, that this is not so bad after all.  So you put all your trust in that one person and think that you have grown from being the newborn holding onto your HR mother to a toddler, happy to go a bit further and spread your wings.

Now, you took it as a given that XYZ is a good person.  A person who will tell you the truth and give you insights as to how to conduct yourself in the workplace.  Little did you know that many times XYZ turns out to be something else.  Let’s take different scenarios:

XYZ is a

1- Loser.  So you end up being stamped as a loser from day 1, thereby losing all your chances in ever being a part pf  the in group

2-Disgruntled employee.  So you end up hearing what a bad place your work is and you question your decision regarding taking the job

3- Lunatic.  So you end up questioning everything including your sanity and you may also turn into a lunatic yourself (remember, this is your first job so you’re fairly young)

4- Optimist.  So you see flowers everywhere you go and will end up falling flat on your face when reality strikes

5- Pessimist.  Similar to disgruntled employee, a pessimist at work will show you how bad your work is.  You leave your job and end up with somewhere worse, thereby wishing time would go back.

6- Mafia king.  You can be taken under his wing if you are lucky and will feel like a part of the family until someone ends up sleeping with the fishes and you question your “luck”

7-Mean girl.  You throw all caution (and your values) to the wind and be part of the group.  You only question yourself if (and only if) something wrong happens because being a mean girl is just fun

giphy

8- Nerd.  And thereby dig a grave for your social life.

But you could also end up meeting a friend.  Someone who would always be there and who would always give you great advice.

Be careful who you hang out with once you go somewhere new, it could make or break you.  Take things slowly, understand that the person introducing you is just doing his job and you can always find the circle you are most comfortable with.

After all, isn’t work just like school at a bigger scale?  And isn’t life just the same?

Try to play by your own rules and be comfortable with who you are.

Good luck

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Wabi Sabi: The Beauty of Imperfection

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They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when many eyes are watching you, the definition of beauty changes from one person to the next.  Nowadays, we are being watched and judged by the way we look, how we present ourselves, and who we know.  When society provides us with the mold we should abide by, what is our net worth as individuals?

With the advancements in medicine and technology, we could be faced with the choice of having a genetically enhanced designer baby free of ailments and closer to perfection than we ever will be.  (Ted talks: Paul Knoepfler: The ethical dilemma of designer babies – TED.com)  My question is, however, what kind of life would a designer baby have?  A child, and later on an adult, who can do things easily, doesn’t feel the need for competition because he/she is the best anyway, looks amazing, and doesn’t have to put up with acne, lives an empty life.  Some people might say that yes, this is the life they want for their child and why not give them a step up in life while they can?  If I had to choose, I’d rather not.

We meet people who have great skin, who have great hair, and who are more talented than we ever dream to be but it does not make us any less.  In a life filled with perfect people there will be nothing to do.  No feelings to feel, no issues to solve, and the easy life will be boring.

An empty life.

Beauty in life comes from our imperfections.  Our uniqueness makes us who we are.  Our different levels of talent, our different skill set, our different backgrounds, merge to an ocean of possibilities.  Possibilities of meeting the right person, making friends, fighting with someone who doesn’t believe in what we do.  Differences in people are what makes life what it it.

A life that is meant to be lived.

Heartbreaks make the heart beat stronger… scars make us who we are.  Subjecting ourselves to the confusion of not knowing, of searching in the oblivion for a clue as to who we are and what is our purpose in life gives life meaning.

Our learning curves when we were babies are beautiful.  Watching a six month old try to talk to beautiful.  A preschooler not knowing the difference between the colors orange and red is beautiful.  A seven year old finally understanding the concept of fractions is mind blowing.  The minute our brains battle to understand and conceptualize life around us makes us humans who we are: knowledge seekers.

Emotions of love, pain, pride, despair all contribute to the journey of self discovery.  The uniqueness of each person, the imperfections, the not too straight nose, the frizzy hair, the gap in the front teeth all make us unique… and from this uniqueness, from this diversity emerges the beauty of humankind.  The beauty of life and its many quests inwards and forward towards our end.

Wabi Sabi: (Japanese) a way of living that focuses on finding beauty within the imperfections of life and accepting peacefully the natural cycle of growth and decay.

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Masks

Woman Looking at Reflection

No longer so hard, no longer so blind

I stare in the mirror at a face that’s not mine

No longer so harsh, no longer so cruel

The mask I had on was a useful tool.

 

Cannot keep a straight look on my face anymore

The skin disappearing, revealing the core

A sigh I take and try to put things back

Yet things won’t come if the will I lack

 

Emotions bubbling at my surface at last

Feathers I use to cover them fast

Cannot understand why I took away

The ice that covered my emotions today.

 

I want to set my emotions all free

Not doing so really pains me, you see

Yet it is better off to do what I’m told

And turn my eyes from warm to cold

 

My inner self defies me, I am not to blame

Things will come back, they will be the same

An emotionless mask I will put on again

Yet I still get wet when the clouds all rain.

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The Pencil

‘Look,’ he said bragging

‘I can twirl the pencil across my fingers!’

Little did they know

that it would be the only thing she couldn’t do,

and the only thing he could…

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In Your Mind, How Old Are You?

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Age is nothing but a number.

A number that defines the days we spent living in the world.  A number that defines where we are, or should be, in our lives and maturity levels.  A number that defines how we should think, act, and be.  A number that restricts our being into being what it should and shouldn’t be.

A number.

Some people perceive themselves younger.  Some believe their minds are older, probably even think they are wiser.  Born wise, they say.  But what ages us?  How many years have we spent not learning, not living, and not growing where the only difference is the number of candles on our cake.  So if we didn’t grow, how can the number go forward?  And if we forget and change our perspectives, why doesn’t the number turn back?

Back in time to what was.

But can you un-see what was seen?  Can you unlearn what was learnt?  Can you spare yourself the heartbreak and the major lesson that you still hold onto.  The lesson that gained you ten years or more.

When a person chooses to live shut away from people, does he grow?  When time ticks and nothing happens, does time proceed or does it stop?  When we are still, why does time pass us by?

In our minds, the age we see ourselves is the age that mattered most to us.  The time we peaked (and hopefully we shall peak again), but in the meantime, our memories from that age live on, so technically, if you see yourself as an 18 year old and can swear by the moon and the stars in the sky (I swear- Boys2men), then you are living in that era.  In that age.

Time should not pass.

In the mirror, do you see who you are or do you think you see what is?  Do you exist now or then?  And if time has passed, shouldn’t you have stayed with time?

Living in the past is never the best place to live, but to question every decision made helps clear your way forward.  Nostalgia for what was should fuel what is and what should be.

But when your mind and soul are living in a different era, how can you pull yourself forward?  How can you pull yourself back to your age?

Age is nothing but a number.

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