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Bedoor Bluemoon

Everyday writing to expose the soul

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Life Lessons

Where Did We All Part Ways?


When parents choose schools for their children, they have in mind a specific social circle, a specific life style, and a specific group of people to be associated with. This is also kept in mind when purchasing a house or joining a country club. Being a part of a group matters, and being a part of a chosen group matters more.

Today, I came across a very very old VHS tape of an old school concert. Yes, you read it right, it was a tape and not a CD or DVD. Gladly, it was converted to a CD so we, in the 21st century, can have access to its hidden gems. A few minutes after laughing my head off, I started feeling nostalgic. All those people on the recording were a part of my life one day. You see, our school was a fairly young school back then so we knew all the students. A smile spread across my face as I saw myself dancing and trying to make sure I don’t miss a step. I saw people who I still have contact with on Facebook and people who I really wanted to know what became of them. Many different faces with many different stories: the boy who wrote me my first love letter and my cousin dancing along her once-best-friend.

Where did we all part ways?

When did this bunch of primary school students grow into teachers and engineers and racist lunatics and fanatics? How were we able to deviate so much from the group of sweet looking children dancing and smiling at our families in the crowd? How can one person grow up to be a politician whereas another be a yoga instructor? Did our parents really think this through when they enrolled us in the nursery?

When did our peaceful competition turn to hateful differences and racial discrimination? We never cared where any of us came from, when did we part ways? Where was the crossroad in our lives? I thought that graduation is the time where we would definitely part ways but I realized that we parted ways earlier. We parted ways when we started seeing the differences. We parted ways when we realized the difference in our backgrounds and starting comparing (and contrasting) ourselves. When we were all on that stage, everything was perfect, our individual differences made sense. Our makeup was done by our music teacher who loved us all individually, our hair was styled as we saw best (by we I mean our mothers), and our dresses were, honestly, gorgeous.

We were so pure and innocent, where did we give ourselves the right to judge? When did we think we were better and when did we lose sense of the dance of life? When did we all part ways?

Where did we all part ways?

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You Are Not Your Job

batman

TV shows have a large impact on social life especially when it runs for more than a few years.  Hanging out in coffee shops became popular after the TV show Friends and ladies jumped into Rachel’s (Jennifer Anniston) haircut from season two.  Recently, many TV shows are related to doctors and so instead of Rachel’s beautiful shag we see men and women wearing their lab coats out in public.

The first question I would like to ask is why are you wearing the lab coat?  Don’t hospitals offer you lockers?  Do you go out of the house wearing them and keep them on?  It is such a predicament to me that I cannot accept it.  Now this was my opinion when I saw the doctors (residents, trainees, I’m not sure if someone just bought a lab coat to fit in) in Starbucks.  Fine, doctors need coffee too and I would really appreciate a doctor high on caffeine; plus it’s a great place to sit and chat and study.  The thing is, a few days ago I saw three women in lab coats walking in the mall!  Now that is a new level of crazy.

Trying to think as a person working in HR and not a cynic, I thought that maybe these women were proud to be doctors and are ready to jump in whenever needed.  Similarly, Bat Man walks around in his cape too.  Therefore, they identify themselves as heroes and have high employee engagement.  Now going back to TV, I’ve seen many movies when an accident occurs (specifically in air planes), the stewardess would shout “Is there a doctor here?” and a man a few seats back would say, “yes, I’m a doctor, give me some space.”  And the action would continue.  This man is usually not wearing a lab coat.  Thus, lesson number one: you do not need to wear your lab coat to be a doctor.

When we are introduced to someone, a common question that comes up is “what do you do for a living?”  Sometimes the question isn’t asked and we immediately think of informing the new acquaintance of our profession.  Why is that?  This is where I’d like to say you are not your job.  The need to be identified with a career is making people concentrate on titles more than their actual growth in life.  Children don’t need to inform each other what they do, we don’t see a child say that he is a student because it doesn’t matter.  Does it really matter what you do for a living?  Yes. But is it the only thing that identifies who you are?  It shouldn’t be.

It’s true that we spend a big chunk of our adult life at work but we need to be reminded time and again that life is not work.  The concept “work-life balance” needs to be renamed since they are not different, it’s just a matter of time management.  Yes a part of who we are today is made up from what we do but it’s not the only thing.  For example, a working mother understands the importance of juggling the different aspects in her life and so her role in life is more varied and she can “log off” when she leaves work because there are other pressing matters to tackle.  The urge and desire to grow in our careers sometimes take our eyes away from the beauty of life, we are so preoccupied with the race that we are missing the scenery.

Life goes on, you don’t want to wake up and realize that you spent it at work.

There are Work life balance assessment tools that can be found on-line, this is the wheel of life with its different areas.  Even without taking the assessment, you can immediately see what you are dismissing, whether knowingly or not.

wheel-of-life-300x300 *Example of Wheel of Life

Another thing to consider when trying to manage your time is your priorities.  Identify your priorities in the Wheel and come to peace with your choices.  If you end up with Family and Friends having a low number and you are ok with that, then it’s fine.  There is no correct answer to how the wheel should look for it to function.  It should just work for you.  In addition, priorities change over time and you need to pay attention to these changes and change your life (and wheel) accordingly.

An interesting clip I found is Steven Covey’s First things first Youtube Clip which portrays time as a bowl.  The woman in this clip is asked to fill the bowl with business related issues but imagine trying to fit your bowl with all life aspects.  Time is limited and it’s what you do with your time that matters.  Follow your dreams, look where you are going, and be thankful for what you have.  You are not your job, you do not need to wear your lab coat everywhere because you are more than just what you do.  Find out what you like and pursue it, you only live once.

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Hold your Horses- Reality Funnier than a Joke

 

When I was in elementary school, not a very long time ago, our English teacher was giving us a class on idioms and figurative speech.  For people who don’t remember, idioms are basically sayings that are used to express the meaning of the situation with a bit of drama and pizzazz.

That’s when we learned “it’s raining cats and dogs,” “the grass is always greener on the other side” and “it’s not my cup of tea.”  Interestingly, I thought that was the last time I’d come across idioms since, in the real world and specifically in the business world, there’s no place for idioms (or emoticons.)

I was wrong.

Imagine this: I was sitting in my office with my business hat on trying to follow up on a shipment that was delayed for no apparent reason.  So I, being very professional in my emails, started with a courtesy, asked nicely but firmly about the shipment, and ended with a nice closing.

A few minutes later, I get a reply that started with my name misspelled. (long pause)  This is not and never is a good start to any email.  A few lines into the email I come to a halt staring at the unimaginable words: (please hold your horses).

WHAT????

I was dumbfounded.  I could not believe that anyone would use such rude and unprofessional words in a business context. But what I did learn in this situation is if you want to catch someone off guard, use an idiom.

For reference, these a few:

1- It’s raining cats and dogs – can be used when a colleague you barely know brings up the weather to fill in the silence.  You can say, “it’s raining cats and dogs” if it is raining heavily but you could also say “it’s not raining cats and dogs”

2-“the grass is greener on the other side”- can be used when your boss is scolding you and you feel like you are getting fired.  Please note that you will probably get fired after this

3- It’s not my cup of tea- can also be used with your boss when he/she gives you work you are not comfortable doing or you just don’t want to do.  Please note that this is not good for your performance evaluation.  Alternatively, you can also use it when someone is asking about an actual cup of tea in the break room.  To do so, you need to position yourself in the break room and have a cup of tea near you but not directly in front of you.  Try to engage the person in a conversation regarding the item he/she is holding.  For instance, start with, “is this your sandwich?” then casually say while pointing to the cup “it’s not my cup of tea.”

4- Hold your horses- also hazardous but you could get away with it when talking to your fellow colleagues.

And finally

5- You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.  DO NOT USE THIS.  THIS MAY BACKFIRE IN SO MANY WAYS!

Choose your words wisely, they can move mountains.

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Nights

 Nights.

When a dear one departs, nights are the worst.  You are left with your own thoughts and memories. You are left with the emptiness of the furniture. You are left with an empty chair, an empty bed, and a lot of clothes.

Clothes and possessions of your loved one. Night time passes by so slowly and you are stuck with clothes … Stuck with a hair brush, a bottle of shampoo, and shoes.

Stuck with a Facebook account you have no password for and you just stare at the screen.  You go back to the closet and run your hand over one of the tops.  You remember the time you bought it together and the many times you discussed throwing it away. You wonder if you have to throw it away now.

You clasp your fist around the fabric as hard as your heart is clenched and a tear rolls down your cheek.

Night.

No one to talk to, no one to help you forget the bedside table with the stain where a coaster should have been.

You look over at the closet again. Too many clothes.

Night time is the worst.

You are left with many unclaimed possessions… Darkness… And clothes.

(الله يمسح على قلبكم بيت عمو مجيد)

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Know your Employees, Get Better Results

There are many ideas and theories regarding how to best motivate people in general and employees in specific.  Most managers remember the X, Y, and Z theories of management from back in college in addition to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which has been altered recently to add a new primitive and basic need: WIFI.  I have seen an image of the pyramid with ” battery” at the bottom but thought they were taking it a little too far.  To refresh your memory, Maslow stated that all people have the same needs which he then segregated to physiological, safety, esteem, and self actualization (as shown below).  It’s not a difficult concept but back in college, it was just a theory.

Maslow-hierarchy

When we finally got employed and for those of us who are fortunate to be deemed managers, we were given employees and told that we now have the role of motivating them.  So what we all did was go back to our textbooks and started researching “motivation.”

Through the process of trial and error, thinking that I was sometimes too lenient and sometimes too strict, and at other times thinking that I was not cut out for this job and introverts should stay away from life as it is, I came to realize that theories were put in place as tools to help us and as guidelines to set our course.  It has come to my attention that the employee I spend time talking and listening to is usually more motivated than another employee who I haven’t met with for a while.  Why is that?

Communication is key.  Knowing how the employee thinks and what he is looking for helps you, as a manager, identify what motivates him.  An employee who seems to look forward to going out in the weekends and spending time with friends would probably appreciate time off work or additional vacation days.  It doesn’t just rely on where that person is in his life, as in whether the employee is single or married, has kids, is thinking of retiring, and so forth, it also relies on the individual and his personal goals.

So let me give you a few pointers that could help:

1- When you have someone newly employed, talk to them.  Listen to their life story and try to understand what kind of person he/she is.  You will be surprised to know that most people lead a fairly similar life to you and usually have pretty clear goals.

2- Look at your employees, read their faces.  Employees are people who get affected by what goes on in their life.  They cannot just leave their problems at the door; it’s not possible, they are human.  Read their faces and find out what “happy” looks like and what “sad” or “disappointed” looks like.  You mostly need these two emotions to motivate.

3- Take cues from others.  When you hear that employee X is unhappy, he probably is unhappy.  Listen to people then try to find out if it’s true.

4- Listen to stories and try to make connections.  Many things happen around the office and when you hear that employee Y is a family man and loves his kids very much, consider that a point you can use to motivate him when needed.  So when employee Y does something good, maybe you can give him a gift voucher for a family dinner or offer to help with providing medical insurance for his pregnant wife to help with expenses:  something related to family.  More about this subject on my previous post Buying The Perfect Gift can be applied here.

5- Know your employees at a personal level without getting personal with them. This is very tricky because you don’t want to be mistaken as a friend but rather as a very nice boss.  A boss which they can talk to but who would not be invited over for birthday parties.  This is a very delicate balance where you need to be empathetic but not a pushover.  This could sometimes makes it hard to discipline but the key is to maintain their respect.

6- Do not over-complicate matters.  Some people just want and need money, others want time off, some want to be thanked in private, others want to be appreciated in public.  And of course, someone is out there to take over your job.  Your role is to know what the employee needs AT THAT TIME since needs constantly change.

Get to know your employees to be able to motivate them.  Everyone is different and people change over time.  Truly understand what makes them happy “tick” and what makes them sad “tock”  Talk to your employees: be their leader, be their coach.  Navigate them to succeed in their lives and you will get better results.

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Man in the Shadows

man and shadow

Lights on.  Zoom into girl sitting on a bench.

A figure walks towards you, his face is a blur, his features are vague.  To you he seems to be a shadow coming out of the mist.  Then he takes a few more steps and his face becomes a little bit clearer.  You can see his nose and the curl that can only be a smile.  He takes a few more steps and you think he is very handsome.  A handsome man with a handsome face.  A good body and quite tall, you think.

Focus on man’s face.

You realize that his eyes are brown like chocolate.  You stare into them as you speak and in that moment, you have surrendered your life to this man.  In your mind, you already planned your wedding and started picking out names for your children.  In that moment, everything seems to be going right.

Fast forward.

Man’s face in focus.  Everything else out of focus.

Your life with this man is blissful.  You see him everyday and notice the little things about him.  You notice sparks of gold in his eyes and realize that in the sunlight, his brown eyes have more depth.  He is no longer a shadow, he is everything, he is in focus.  You realize a little habit he has and consider it to be plain adorable.  In your mind, he is perfect.  In your mind, your path with him is clear.  His phone number is not only in your favorites but is engraved in your subconscious from the many many times you called him from work.  Your fingers seem to know what numbers to dial.  Your walk next to him and when you sit, you rest your head on his shoulder where it seems to be at home.  You know his thoughts from the look on his face.  You go to new restaurants together and watch the biggest block buster movies while sharing sweet and salty popcorn.  You know his every detail, his every hope and dream and in your mind, you’ve already grown old together and are sitting on the porch outside your home.

Fast forward.  

Sounds of shattering glass.  Dim lighting.

You break up over little things that add on and on and become such a burden to you.  You feel like you heart will explode.  Life as you know it shatters into a million pieces and you feel like there is no life without him.  His face is everywhere.  You can still feel the touch of his hand and you can’t seem to find a place for your head.  You walk without thought and everything is no longer right, everything is vague, everything is wrong.  Only he exists clearly and completely.  Your family, your friends, your career, and you, are no longer clear.  You hold onto his face and hurt.  Your chest is stabbed, the pain is unbearable and your dreams are burnt to ashes.  You look at yourself in the mirror and can’t take your eyes off the emptiness where he used to stand.  You sit for lunch at your usual place but your eyes keep wandering over to the chair next to you.  Your hands pick up the office phone and your fingers start to dial his number.  You suddenly stop and weep. You look through everything he gave you, the key chain, the necklace, the pen, they feel so right to be with you.  Yet so wrong.

Fast forward.  

Hope, soft music.

You start forgetting.  You no longer call his number by mistake and you no longer have your eyes wander at the empty chair.  You fill it with people in your life.  Sisters, brothers, friends and family come into focus.  Your eyes start seeing other things.  You start to smile and laugh.  You start to enjoy your days and you start to focus on your face in the mirror, not the emptiness that once was. You focus on yourself, you pick up a new book, you go to new places and realize that not everything reminds you of him.  You look back at your memories with him five times a day, then four, then three, and then twice, and finally you remember him only when you go to bed.  And one morning, you wake up and he is no longer in your mind and you realize that you have already purchased a new key chain, a necklace, and a pen.  You will wonder how tall he was and what color his eyes were.  Brown?  Hazel?  The details that once were your everything turn to shadows.  The face that was once always in focus starts getting forgotten and blurs into oblivion.  Becomes a shadow that you no longer recognize.  A faceless man in the crowd of life.  No-one important.

Man’s shadow walking into the mist.  

Zoom out.

Lights off. 

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Faith

  Faith: the light that enlightens out paths, the rock that holds our backs, and the center of our heart.  

Without faith we cease to believe, cease to hope, and cease to be.  
Faith in a stronger God, a mightier God, and a merciful God. Faith in the good and the positive. Faith in knowing that things happen for a reason, that life is worth something, and that your life is not in vain.  Knowing that someone is loving you for you. Knowing that God listens to your heartbeat, listens to your wishes, and understands your every thought.

Knowing that brings peace and comfort to your soul. Knowing that life is not created by coincidence, but by a higher power with reason. Knowing we are living for a reason, that there are givens in our lives, and a path created for you. Choices made just for you and paths chosen by you with God holding your hand in every step. 
A caring God.

A loving God. 

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Best Decision Ever

Tough Decisions Ahead Road Sign

High school, for many of us, brings back memories. Some we may wish to remember and some we wish to forget. All in all, high school was and will always be a part of growing up. We went through ups and downs, we had our best friends who we thought would be there forever, and we had heart aches. Our biggest concern was our upcoming exam and our biggest dilemma was which university to apply for. It was a truly ambiguous and vital part of our lives.

Getting where I am today in my career had basically NOTHING to do with my high school decisions. How, how, and HOW do you expect a 17 year old to decide what they want to do for the rest of their life!!?? I would like to think that things happen for a reason and fate plays an important part in our lives so I am very grateful in where I stand today. Just to clue you in, my little group of besties were always discussing everything of no importance and nothing of significant importance. So when college applications were going out, no one spoke to the other about them because, well, they were important. I assumed I would have some input from my friends but when we got into the 12th grade I realized two were flying off to the U.S. and the third was flying off to Scotland. Hmm, this was the first time I realized that people planned their lives and I should start planning mine.

Aha moment.

I ended up going to the University of Bahrain because I thought studying in hell would prepare me for life and I was right. The mere registration process takes perseverance, patience, and strategic planning. We would walk around like headless chickens trying to get our papers signed, stamped, have seats added, just to go back and start all over again. Well, life in UOB was interesting, kinda like giving birth.

Two years into my bachelors degree, I am supposed to sign up for an internship in a company set up by someone-in-charge. I got an IT assistant position in a securities and investment company where the IT manager was a great mentor. The place was very laid back and professional and I finally got my first pay check. It was an amazing feeling and I thought to myself that I can now be independent and earn my own money. 💪 After the two month internship period, I got offered a job there and I was so excited. The only thing is that if I chose to accept the job I will have to change my studies into evening classes which means that I will graduate later.

At that time, graduating was a big deal and we rushed to register for more than 5 classes per sememster. You see, this was when we didn’t know that life has NOTHING to do with when you graduate, it’s the experience that makes a difference. I didn’t know what to do so I decided to discus it with my parents. I loved the work environment there but I got offered another job by my father. He offered to let me basically run his charity organization in my free time since I am willing to work. I had to decide and I was confused up to the day I was supposed to start work. I really didn’t know what to do, I had two options and couldn’t decide.

So that morning, I got into my car and drove. I reached an intersection, literally, and stopped at the red light. I had to make a decision. If I turn right, I would accept the job as an IT assistant and could later on become a broker and work with stocks and bonds. If I turn left, I would have to enter a new world of children with mental retardation, autism, Down’s syndrome, and cerebral palsy.

I stopped and thought.  This decision will shape me into the person I want to be.

Who do I want to be?

A year later, I was working hard in my office as a little boy popped his head in and gave me a big smile. Sayed Yousif, come here. I said. He walks in coyly and sits on one of the chairs like he does everyday during break time.  Best decision EVER.

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Labor Pains

baby

So this last week I didn’t have any chance to write because my son is teething.  It’s not getting any better, it’s the same.  He’s cranky, in pain, and clinging onto me all day every day.  Not an optimum situation for someone who needs time to be creative. I guess when other mothers say that things will only get better when his teeth cut through is right.  The problem is they never prepare you for this.

Actually, mothers don’t prepare you for anything!!!  I like to think of myself as someone who can tolerate pain so I was mentally prepared to face labor pains.  I had my birthing plan in place and knew that birthing was a part of nature and mothers, for decades, have been doing it naturally.

Come March 2nd, I’m sitting in my pajamas working on salaries when my water broke.  Splash.  LITERALLY splash!  My husband was away on vacation, my mom was cooking lunch, and I just had to finish the salaries because no-one else can do them.  I sat down for a few minutes just to save the file and handed it over to my sister.  I was then admitted to the hospital when I still remained smiling, excited, and under control.

Yeah right.

The pain was fairly bearable in the beginning.  It was an interesting experience until things started getting serious.  The nurse was nice but she didn’t know what I was going through.  She might have given birth previously but I was the one in labor.  She sees this everyday, this is her job.  But for me it was just OH MY GOD!!

Being in pain, I wanted to talk to the fairly nice nurse and ask her when this will be over.  She said soon and couldn’t really answer.  Come on, who can answer this question?  So then I asked her is this pain normal?  She said, this is moderate pain and giggled.

WHAT?!?!

If this is moderate pain, what is real pain?

Well, It got worse… much worse… really quickly…

I never thought I would but I gave in the the epidural and was still screaming.

Word of advice:  TAKE ALL DRUGS AVAILABLE TO EASE YOUR PAIN!!!  You don’t need to torture yourself, you don’t hate yourself, do you?

So  hours (which seemed like months later), I gave birth to my baby.  I was so happy and relieved the pain stopped.  They say the body gets filled with happiness (hormones and such, I’ve never been into biology much) but I think the body was just in shock.  It really is a miracle you’re alive!

Later on, I’m siting on the hospital bed and my aunt walks in and asks, “how was labor?  Is it what you expected?”  It took ALL my willpower not to say something rude, she was being satirical and she loved it.  It was an inside joke but you know what?  I wasn’t laughing.

A year and a bit later, I understand why mothers don’t tell expectant mothers the truth: if anyone knew the extent of the pain they would never consider having a baby.  Plus, I just LOVE walking in to hospital rooms and ask “how was labor?  Is it what you expected?  HAHAHA join the club.

Today’s (and everyday) specials: pain, lack of time, and no energy.  Oh, and an amazing miracle you know is worth it.

I love you, my boy.  Hope you feel better.

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