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Bedoor Bluemoon

Everyday writing to expose the soul

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love

Demons

652851_N71Qb4Dd

(From Dreams of A Blue Moon by Bedoor Khalaf)

Darkness along with broken pride

as the glass of water breaks

seeing the wrong, not seeing the right

as bones in their graves shake.

 

Chaos around yet not a way

to change the angel’s mind

for the person that once has been a saint

will be a traitor to all mankind.

 

Will not care less to what others feel

since everyone has done him wrong

will cause harsh pain and torture on

those with a heart that longs.

 

Nowadays love is a sin

and only sinners love

roses turn into weeds

crows created from doves.

 

Pain and violence the only words

known to the human race

painted masks and hypocrites

stained on people’s face.

 

Angels turn to demons as

they realize life is unfair

but what stunned them most is the fact

that love no longer cares.

قهوتي المُرّة

نحتسي القهوة ونحن نعلم بأن مرارة الأيام

ليست بلذة مرارة القهوة

فنعيش معها واقعنا المرير

نتذكر الآهات ودروس الحياة الصعبة

نتذكر مَن كانوا معنا يوماً

وابتعدوا بلا سبب

ونتذكر من كانوا معنا يوماً

وابتعدوا بعدألف سبب

وألف غصّة

وألف دمعة

ونحتسي القهوة المُرّة

نتذكر مرارة الفراق

ونغوص في احلامنا المتكسّرة

فنكاد نراها أمامنا خلال البُن الداكن

الا انها تتضح

سراب

فنأخذ رشفة أخرى نتعذب بالمرارة

قهوتنا: واقعنا المرير

وذكرياتنا المؤلمة

واحلامنا المتكسّرة

فربما (دلق) القهوة

يُبعد الشر فلا نتذكر

شر ذكرياتنا وافكارنا

وخيالنا الجامح

(وألف (لَو

خذيني يا قهوتي الى الماضي

واتركيني أسبح في جراحي

 وأذوب

لأشرب بعد مُر قهوتي

كوباً من الماء

يصفّي ذهني

ويعود بي الى اليوم

قلبا لا ينسى

girl at beach

وبعد سنواتٍ قضيناها معا

افترقنا

وافترقـَت طرقنا

ومضينا لنعيش حياة أخرى

بعيدة عن أحلامنا السابقة

حياة لا لذة فيها

 افترقنا

بعد أيام عشناها في الهوى

ومضينا لنعيش ولا نعيش

نرى الدنيا بلا ألوان

ولا نسمع زقزقة العصافير

افترفنا

وها نحن اليوم نلتقي صدفة

احسست بنبض خفيف في قلبي

فتسائلت

أعادت لي الروح؟

هل من حياة بعد الفراق؟

وهل من بعد الظلام نور؟

فبعد أن افترقنا

ماتت جميع مشاعري

وبت صدفة بلا لؤلؤة

اسبح في معركة الحياة

وارتمي على شواطئ الأحزان

وأموت

فالفراق أهلكني

والحياة أماتتني

والآمال خذلتني

والقلب اشترى تذكرة ليسافر

ولا يعود

فلِمَ عُدتَ يا قلبي؟

لماذا تريدُ أن تقلّب المواجع

وتذكرني بالماضي البهيج؟

لا تذكرني

فقد رضيت بحياتي المملة

وواجهت الليالي الخالية

واعتدت الحياة دونك

أمثّل السعادة دوما

وأبكي ليلا ويوما

وبداخلي فراغُ ما بعد الألم

وفي عينيَّ ضبابُ ما بعد البكاء

وفي جوفي حريق لا ينطفئ

ابتعد

واذهب بعيدا

فقد افترقنا

وعشنا حياة ليست بحياة

دون طعم، دون لون، دون حب

لا تغير رأيك الآن

فقد فات الأوان

والحياة أيامها تمضي

والقرارات لا تعود

أذهب بعيدا وانسى

سنوات ضياعٍ ما أقساها

قلبا لا ينسى ولا يموت

وقلبا ينسى ولا ينسى

Labor Pains

baby

So this last week I didn’t have any chance to write because my son is teething.  It’s not getting any better, it’s the same.  He’s cranky, in pain, and clinging onto me all day every day.  Not an optimum situation for someone who needs time to be creative. I guess when other mothers say that things will only get better when his teeth cut through is right.  The problem is they never prepare you for this.

Actually, mothers don’t prepare you for anything!!!  I like to think of myself as someone who can tolerate pain so I was mentally prepared to face labor pains.  I had my birthing plan in place and knew that birthing was a part of nature and mothers, for decades, have been doing it naturally.

Come March 2nd, I’m sitting in my pajamas working on salaries when my water broke.  Splash.  LITERALLY splash!  My husband was away on vacation, my mom was cooking lunch, and I just had to finish the salaries because no-one else can do them.  I sat down for a few minutes just to save the file and handed it over to my sister.  I was then admitted to the hospital when I still remained smiling, excited, and under control.

Yeah right.

The pain was fairly bearable in the beginning.  It was an interesting experience until things started getting serious.  The nurse was nice but she didn’t know what I was going through.  She might have given birth previously but I was the one in labor.  She sees this everyday, this is her job.  But for me it was just OH MY GOD!!

Being in pain, I wanted to talk to the fairly nice nurse and ask her when this will be over.  She said soon and couldn’t really answer.  Come on, who can answer this question?  So then I asked her is this pain normal?  She said, this is moderate pain and giggled.

WHAT?!?!

If this is moderate pain, what is real pain?

Well, It got worse… much worse… really quickly…

I never thought I would but I gave in the the epidural and was still screaming.

Word of advice:  TAKE ALL DRUGS AVAILABLE TO EASE YOUR PAIN!!!  You don’t need to torture yourself, you don’t hate yourself, do you?

So  hours (which seemed like months later), I gave birth to my baby.  I was so happy and relieved the pain stopped.  They say the body gets filled with happiness (hormones and such, I’ve never been into biology much) but I think the body was just in shock.  It really is a miracle you’re alive!

Later on, I’m siting on the hospital bed and my aunt walks in and asks, “how was labor?  Is it what you expected?”  It took ALL my willpower not to say something rude, she was being satirical and she loved it.  It was an inside joke but you know what?  I wasn’t laughing.

A year and a bit later, I understand why mothers don’t tell expectant mothers the truth: if anyone knew the extent of the pain they would never consider having a baby.  Plus, I just LOVE walking in to hospital rooms and ask “how was labor?  Is it what you expected?  HAHAHA join the club.

Today’s (and everyday) specials: pain, lack of time, and no energy.  Oh, and an amazing miracle you know is worth it.

I love you, my boy.  Hope you feel better.

Fear, Terror, and Disbelief

Residents-in-Cebu-City

It was like any other day for Kevin as he sat at his desk entering the sales numbers with his mind wandering off to the weekend. He would sleep in for a couple of hours before taking the girls out to their friend’s birthday party.  He wanted to spend time with them since he gets home very late during the week and they’re already in bed, sleeping peacefully.  He knew that someday he would regret not being there.  He grew up in a home where his father was also never available, just trying to make a good life for the family.  Now he was doing the same and feels guilty because he knows the consequences.  He knows that they will forever wonder whether or not he loved them and will always come to the conclusion that their father loved his work more.  It was so sad to think of but he couldn’t do anything about it.  The company pays him well and without a college degree, he was thankful to have found a job like this.

What Kevin tries to do to compensate is spend as much time as he can with the girls during the weekends.  It was their time and he was always looking forward to hear about how their week was and what drastic and amazing things happened at school.  He needed to ask about the little boy who had chicken pox marks and whether or not the kids stopped calling him Leopard.  It wasn’t such a bad nickname, he thought to himself, it would actually be intriguing once he reaches high school.

Kevin was lost in thought when it happened.  It was surreal and totally unexpected.  He felt the table shake from under him for a split second.  That’s strange, he thought to himself.  He looked at his mug next to the keyboard and his mind went blank when he saw it shake.  It happened so quickly, he didn’t have the chance to digest the fact that an earthquake just hit the city.  He didn’t know what to think or feel when he saw the side of the building collapse.  It was just seconds ago when his colleague was sitting at his desk working and now the colleague, desk, and half the building was lost to nothingness.  He felt the sunlight shine through and take place of what was just florescent lights.

He froze.

Then everyone screamed.

It was mayhem.  Everyone was running around screaming like headless chickens, with their minds totally dysfunctional.  He stood in awe, frozen and blank.  Come on, Kevin, MOVE!  His friend said, pushing him towards the door.  He starting running.  Where should I go?  What just happened?  He wondered.  Stairs.  I must get to the stairs.  Yes, that’s where everyone seems to be going.

He followed the group to the stairs and started walking down.  They reached the third floor and the person in front halted suddenly.  There were no stairs.  Wreckage covered the steps and everyone was panicking.

“What shall we do?!”  Someone screamed.

We have to get out before the building collapses!  Half of it is already gone, I don’t think it can stay up with half of it gone.

Dan?  Have you seen Dan?  Dan! DAN!

Kevin was concentrating on finding a way around the rubble.  Help me up, try to push me up.  We don’t have to go around it, we can go over.

They started pushing each other over the wreckage.  Shoes were discarded, clothes were covered in dust, faces were distressed and alarmed, and Kevin had one thought on his mind: his family.

The people in the building barely made it out in time before they felt another earthquake.  The aftershock, he thought, I remember teaching Laura about it last year.

He started running towards the havoc that was once a very normal and fairly quiet street.  He looked up at the building, it was cracked open like an egg with one half on the ground.  He heard screams coming from under the rubble and he saw his coworker run towards the screams. Dan!  He heard her scream.  Dan! She was covered in grey dust but continued to look for Dan.

I must look for my family, Kevin thought.

He looked for his car keys and realized that he left them in the office.  He looked at the roads  and decided he couldn’t have used the car anyway.  Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.  The earthquake was over but the it was still the beginning for him.

He ran towards the school.  He didn’t want to think of the possibility that something happened to his wife.  He wanted to believe that she was fine and she was also thinking of their daughters.  She would be running to the school too.  He thought to himself.  Mindy’s fine, she’s a strong woman.  I’ll meet her there. 

The school was worse than his office building.  He heard the children cries from a distance and the teachers trying to calm them down with worried voices.  Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.  The paramedics were rushing in and trying to get everyone seated and teachers were counting and recounting the students.  Ms. Addison from the administration was running as fast as her little feet would take her with papers.  She went from one teacher to the next handing them out: they were the attendance sheet.  Great, Kevin thought, I can find my girls.

Ms. Addison, he said, jogging by her side.  Would you happen to know which class my girls are in?  Where can I find them? She apologized for not being to help and muttered something that sounded like a little prayer under her breath.  He looked at the children’s faces just in case he sees someone he recognizes.  Then he saw them.  Two little girls huddled under a tree with their faces buried in a hug.  He knew it was them and ran.  Laura!! Stephanie!  He screamed but they didn’t hear him.  He screamed again and they lifted their heads.  He saw tears running down both of their identical faces and felt so helpless yet relieved.

He hugged them both tightly to stop the trembling.  It’s OK, you’re alright.  We’re all alright.

It took them a few minutes to calm down.  They didn’t share what they saw nor did they talk about what they felt. Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.  They just held onto one another while being carried by their dad.  Then Laura said, “is mommy OK?” ” I don’t know, I’m sure she is” Kevin answered and held onto hope.

They went over to the paramedics.  Sir, let me check the little girls, please.  The medic checked reflexes and asked them a few questions.  “All clear, sir

Could we have someone drop us home?”

“Sorry, sir, we are working as fast as we can but we can’t move any of our units, there are five kids missing.”

Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.

Laura and Stephanie started crying.  It took Kevin a while to figure out that the missing children were in their class.  Leopard was one of them.  Ms. Addison came back and assigned Kevin a few children to take care of and he gladly obliged.  He never knew she would be strong in difficult situations, never knew that a person so small in size can sum up enough courage to keep people calm.  He looked into her eyes and expected to see a hero.  Fear, terror, and disbelief.

Kevin tried calling his wife but the network wasn’t working.  He thought it would probably take a few days to get it up and running.  He looked at the time, his wife should have been here by now.  He knew that she would be worried about the girls.

Then he started getting worried about her.  Really worried.

He looked over at the children and wondered where their parents were at.  Then it hit him, some of their parents might not come to get them.  Some of them might be stuck in the rubble.  He recalled the screams, Dan! Dan!  Then realized that Dan was sitting on the Eastern side of the building, the side that fell.  He realized that Dan also had a family that was worried about him.  Where is Dan now?  Where is Mindy now?

He started praying.  Praying for the parents, praying for the five missing children, praying for the loved ones, praying for his wife, praying for Dan, praying for the young and old.  He thought of the hospital and the people there.  He hoped nothing happened to the hospital.  It was a normal day, doctors had operations scheduled and could have been in the operation rooms.  What happened!?  He wondered in shock.

He looked up at the sky.  It was late afternoon and people were still scurrying.  Children weren’t crying as much: some were taken home by their parents and some just gave up and went to sleep.  He looked at his two angels who were playing with some grass.  He thought of his wife, where are you!?

It was getting late and he had to go home.  He had to check on his wife.  She could have been home and had something fall on her!  She might have been stuck all that time while he was waiting for her.

The last of the children under his supervision were picked up and he went over to the medics.  She drove them home. Throughout the way, Kevin prayed and prayed.  Trees were fallen on the ground and parts of buildings and homes were scattered across the roads.  Some people were still walking around and Kevin could hear parts of their conversations.  Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.

They reached home.  The lights were on and the two girls were running towards the door as it was suddenly opened. He looked at the figure in the doorway and realized it wasn’t his wife.  Where’s mommy?! They asked, scared.

In the distance, he could still hear the cries of his coworker in his mind, Dan! Dan! Dan!

Fear, terror, and disbelief.  It wasn’t over.

Before It’s Too Late

beach heart

 

Find the person you love

the one you don’t see

the one who is always

been your given fate.

Tell him you love him

give it all that you’ve got

hold on to him close

before it’s too late.

 

Don’t think of the words

don’t mind broken hearts

the issue is your happiness,

your life, and your fate.

Tell him you love him

give it all that you’ve got

hold onto him close

before it’s too late.

 

Your mind will play tricks

It’s so hard to see

the path is so dark

take a leap of faith.

Tell him you love him

give it all that you’ve got

hold onto him close

before it’s too late.

Tired Mothers

mother

Tired, like all mothers, I choose to stay awake just to have a little time for myself.  Just a few minutes, I say, I’ll be in bed by 10. Yeah right!  I’m never in bed by 10.  Sometimes I listen to the nothingness of the night for a couple of hours, I listen to the quietness around me and take it all in, still trying to wind down after a long and exhausting day.

I realize that I’ve been awake for a little bit too long.  Alright, if I sleep now, I would expect my baby to wake up in half an hour for his bottle.  So the dilemma begins: should I sleep or  should I stay awake?  Still questioning what to do next, my heavy eyelids give in and I fall asleep with the mobile phone in my hand, still open on the last page I was browsing.  Barely a few minutes later, I wake up when I hear the tossing and turning of my little boy.

And the night shift begins.

Like some days, nights can be long.  Many nights were spent sitting in bed with the baby in my arm and my head thrown on one side without any support to my neck.  Do you know the neck strains you used to have in high school when you wouldn’t be able to move for almost a week?  When you’re a mother, you are blessed with the miracle of feeling no pain!  You know why?  Because life must go on and you must be available, up and running at all times.

So half asleep, I look at my boy and smile.  It’s a true blessing to have a child who loves you and accepts you for who you are.  My boy doesn’t know what I did in my life nor does he care.  All that matters to him is that I’m his mother and I love him so much.  After he drinks his bottle, he pushes himself off my arm and onto my bed.  Cheeky boy.  He knows he wants to sleep on our bed so he cuddles against his father who just can’t say no.

Blessed, I smile and lay down.  I look over at my two favorite boys and think that God has truly been generous.  No-one said raising a child was easy; it’s a tough job only mothers can do.  Mothers aren’t well rested, pampered, and manicured women, they are tired, exhausted, and fatigued saints.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there.

كوكب اللامنطق

 

image

لا يعي الكلمة

الا المهووس بالكلمة

ولا يقدر الحب

الا المتيم بالحب

فلا مكان لعديمي المشاعر

في حياتي

ولا مجال لذوو المنطق

في كوكبي

فأنا أعيش في كوكب اللامنطق

حيث القلب هو الامير

والعقل مسجون في المنفى

والنبضات ترقص وترقص وترقص

ذكرى عاشق

old man

عذبيني، يا صغيرتي، عذبيني

فوجودك في حياتي يكفيني

عذبيني

واخبريني بأنك لا تعشقيني

وليس لديك الوقت لتفاهاتي

عذبيني بنظراتك البريئة

لا تجرحي برائتك بآهاتي

عذبيني بابتسامتك الخجولة

بعدم مبالاتك بسنيني

فالشيب الابيض في شعري

لا يذكر سواد السنين

والقلب حينما ينبض

لا ينفك يتذكر الحنين

عذبيني وذكريني بالحياة

فالذكرى تنفع المؤمنين

ابحثي عن ذرة من آمالي

وذكريني بحياة العاشقين

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