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A Social Wedding

Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions. Its one of the life changing events when you walk down the aisle and realize that you’re finally becoming whole, finally becoming one with the person your heart always searched for, the person you chose to spend the rest of your your life with.

But for me, walking down the aisle I imagined someone say ‘dead man walking’ and people giving me looks of sadness and dismay.

You see, I’m not getting married because I wanted to, I’m getting married because I have to. For my family, for my social status, and for my sanity.

I found out I was gay when I was a teenager. I know many of you will not accept me for who I am but I faced this reality a long time ago. I was a homosexual before homosexuality became accepted by society and, to this day, many people in my social circle ignore homosexuals and always have negative things to say about them. So I sit in the cafe with a few of my friends or relatives who have no clue about my entity and they would diss all homosexuals around. It’s not a nice feeling to be forced in the closet, sometimes I wish I would just leave the country and start somewhere new…

But I can’t.

I’ve already established myself and my career and it would break my mother’s heart if I left. I recalled the years I spent in the US, it was the best time of my life. I was who I really was, I didn’t have to change, I didn’t have to hide, and I didn’t have to act.

And today is the grand finale.

At 43, all excuses of delays in marriage were worn out. My sister says she wishes to see me settled, my mother cries telling me she wants to see my children before she dies, and my father says he wants a grandson to carry his name. I gave all excuses I could but it was finally time to give in.

I was set up with a few nice girls. Some may have even been great friends but I knew that I needed someone who will understand me without telling her. Someone who is getting into this marriage also for a family, social status, and sanity. It happened after I was rejected by someone whose family guessed my sexual tendencies and I honestly couldn’t look them in the eye. I had to make up some excuse but was relieved that she rejected me: maybe I didn’t have to get married anymore.

The next day after the rejection as I was browsing the net, I got a call. It was from one of her friends. I was surprised because we never exchanged more than a few pleasantries. She started telling me how sorry she felt that I was rejected and what an idiot her friend was. I didn’t quite know what was the purpose of the call because I was too preoccupied that time with dating a new guy. She continued to call me for the next couple of days and started dropping hints… It took a few weeks but I finally understood.

She didn’t want to be considered a spinster. She wanted to start a family and settle in with someone…anyone. She wanted to invite people over to her new house and play the hostess to grand dinners and parties. She wanted the status of being married more that being married.

So we decided it was the best thing to be done. She never told me that she had any conception of me being gay nor did she ask. I’m not sure if she doesn’t see it or chooses not to see it. I don’t know if I should feel more sorry for her or myself.

A match made in the social circle.

To stop people from guessing what they already know and to establish something from nothing.

Walking down the aisle I see my family, heads up and proud. I see my friends with their wives and children, and I see my new boyfriend.

He knows that this is a great act. I jump up, acting all happy and getting everyone excited.

Then settle. A fake smile pasted on my face…

Dead man walking.

May 30, 2015 0

Fear, Terror, and Disbelief

It was like any other day for Kevin as he sat at his desk entering the sales numbers with his mind wandering off to the weekend. He would sleep in for a couple of hours before taking the girls out to their friend’s birthday party. He wanted to spend time with them since he gets home very late during the week and they’re already in bed, sleeping peacefully. He knew that someday he would regret not being there. He grew up in a home where his father was also never available, just trying to make a good life for the family. Now he was doing the same and feels guilty because he knows the consequences. He knows that they will forever wonder whether or not he loved them and will always come to the conclusion that their father loved his work more. It was so sad to think of but he couldn’t do anything about it. The company pays him well and without a college degree, he was thankful to have found a job like this.

What Kevin tries to do to compensate is spend as much time as he can with the girls during the weekends. It was their time and he was always looking forward to hear about how their week was and what drastic and amazing things happened at school. He needed to ask about the little boy who had chicken pox marks and whether or not the kids stopped calling him Leopard. It wasn’t such a bad nickname, he thought to himself, it would actually be intriguing once he reaches high school.

Kevin was lost in thought when it happened. It was surreal and totally unexpected. He felt the table shake from under him for a split second. That’s strange, he thought to himself. He looked at his mug next to the keyboard and his mind went blank when he saw it shake. It happened so quickly, he didn’t have the chance to digest the fact that an earthquake just hit the city. He didn’t know what to think or feel when he saw the side of the building collapse. It was just seconds ago when his colleague was sitting at his desk working and now the colleague, desk, and half the building was lost to nothingness. He felt the sunlight shine through and take place of what was just florescent lights.

He froze.

Then everyone screamed.

It was mayhem. Everyone was running around screaming like headless chickens, with their minds totally dysfunctional. He stood in awe, frozen and blank. Come on, Kevin, MOVE! His friend said, pushing him towards the door. He starting running. Where should I go? What just happened? He wondered. Stairs. I must get to the stairs. Yes, that’s where everyone seems to be going.

He followed the group to the stairs and started walking down. They reached the third floor and the person in front halted suddenly. There were no stairs. Wreckage covered the steps and everyone was panicking.

“What shall we do?!” Someone screamed.

We have to get out before the building collapses! Half of it is already gone, I don’t think it can stay up with half of it gone.

Dan? Have you seen Dan? Dan! DAN!

Kevin was concentrating on finding a way around the rubble. Help me up, try to push me up. We don’t have to go around it, we can go over.

They started pushing each other over the wreckage. Shoes were discarded, clothes were covered in dust, faces were distressed and alarmed, and Kevin had one thought on his mind: his family.

The people in the building barely made it out in time before they felt another earthquake. The aftershock, he thought, I remember teaching Laura about it last year.

He started running towards the havoc that was once a very normal and fairly quiet street. He looked up at the building, it was cracked open like an egg with one half on the ground. He heard screams coming from under the rubble and he saw his coworker run towards the screams. Dan! He heard her scream. Dan! She was covered in grey dust but continued to look for Dan.

I must look for my family, Kevin thought.

He looked for his car keys and realized that he left them in the office. He looked at the roads and decided he couldn’t have used the car anyway. Fear, terror, and disbelief. It wasn’t over. The earthquake was over but the it was still the beginning for him.

He ran towards the school. He didn’t want to think of the possibility that something happened to his wife. He wanted to believe that she was fine and she was also thinking of their daughters. She would be running to the school too. He thought to himself. Mindy’s fine, she’s a strong woman. I’ll meet her there.

The school was worse than his office building. He heard the children cries from a distance and the teachers trying to calm them down with worried voices. Fear, terror, and disbelief. It wasn’t over. The paramedics were rushing in and trying to get everyone seated and teachers were counting and recounting the students. Ms. Addison from the administration was running as fast as her little feet would take her with papers. She went from one teacher to the next handing them out: they were the attendance sheet. Great, Kevin thought, I can find my girls.

Ms. Addison, he said, jogging by her side. Would you happen to know which class my girls are in? Where can I find them? She apologized for not being to help and muttered something that sounded like a little prayer under her breath. He looked at the children’s faces just in case he sees someone he recognizes. Then he saw them. Two little girls huddled under a tree with their faces buried in a hug. He knew it was them and ran. Laura!! Stephanie! He screamed but they didn’t hear him. He screamed again and they lifted their heads. He saw tears running down both of their identical faces and felt so helpless yet relieved.

He hugged them both tightly to stop the trembling. It’s OK, you’re alright. We’re all alright.

It took them a few minutes to calm down. They didn’t share what they saw nor did they talk about what they felt. Fear, terror, and disbelief. It wasn’t over. They just held onto one another while being carried by their dad. Then Laura said, “is mommy OK?” ” I don’t know, I’m sure she is” Kevin answered and held onto hope.

They went over to the paramedics. Sir, let me check the little girls, please. The medic checked reflexes and asked them a few questions. “All clear, sir”

“Could we have someone drop us home?”

“Sorry, sir, we are working as fast as we can but we can’t move any of our units, there are five kids missing.”

Fear, terror, and disbelief. It wasn’t over.

Laura and Stephanie started crying. It took Kevin a while to figure out that the missing children were in their class. Leopard was one of them. Ms. Addison came back and assigned Kevin a few children to take care of and he gladly obliged. He never knew she would be strong in difficult situations, never knew that a person so small in size can sum up enough courage to keep people calm. He looked into her eyes and expected to see a hero. Fear, terror, and disbelief.

Kevin tried calling his wife but the network wasn’t working. He thought it would probably take a few days to get it up and running. He looked at the time, his wife should have been here by now. He knew that she would be worried about the girls.

Then he started getting worried about her. Really worried.

He looked over at the children and wondered where their parents were at. Then it hit him, some of their parents might not come to get them. Some of them might be stuck in the rubble. He recalled the screams, Dan! Dan! Then realized that Dan was sitting on the Eastern side of the building, the side that fell. He realized that Dan also had a family that was worried about him. Where is Dan now? Where is Mindy now?

He started praying. Praying for the parents, praying for the five missing children, praying for the loved ones, praying for his wife, praying for Dan, praying for the young and old. He thought of the hospital and the people there. He hoped nothing happened to the hospital. It was a normal day, doctors had operations scheduled and could have been in the operation rooms. What happened!? He wondered in shock.

He looked up at the sky. It was late afternoon and people were still scurrying. Children weren’t crying as much: some were taken home by their parents and some just gave up and went to sleep. He looked at his two angels who were playing with some grass. He thought of his wife, where are you!?

It was getting late and he had to go home. He had to check on his wife. She could have been home and had something fall on her! She might have been stuck all that time while he was waiting for her.

The last of the children under his supervision were picked up and he went over to the medics. She drove them home. Throughout the way, Kevin prayed and prayed. Trees were fallen on the ground and parts of buildings and homes were scattered across the roads. Some people were still walking around and Kevin could hear parts of their conversations. Fear, terror, and disbelief. It wasn’t over.

They reached home. The lights were on and the two girls were running towards the door as it was suddenly opened. He looked at the figure in the doorway and realized it wasn’t his wife. Where’s mommy?! They asked, scared.

In the distance, he could still hear the cries of his coworker in his mind, Dan! Dan! Dan!

Fear, terror, and disbelief. It wasn’t over.

May 20, 2015 0

The Importance of a List

There are two types of people: people who like using lists, and people who think lists are useless. I am a person who loves lists. I love everything about lists: making lists, checking things off my list, and telling people that if you want to plan your life better you need a list. I 100% believe that lists could save you 80% of your time when done and utilized correctly.

Now, I’m not a list guru, (I give that title to my sister who, without lists, could have lost her mind by now), but I can still give you some pointers on how I use this wonderful tool.

Before I do so, let me give you one exercise you can do which would shine the light on your time management skills.

I once attended a time planning training where the instructor told us that to be able to see where your time is wasted you need to make a schedule of what you are doing for a week. So basically, you would write down 7:00 – 7:15 a.m. wake up, 7:15 – 8:00 a.m. shower, dress, and get ready, 8:00 – 8:15 a.m. have breakfast and check the news (I wish!!), 8:15 -8:50 a.m. commute to work, and so on. Of course, we shouldn’t forget to include all those little things that waste our times such as (play candy crush) and (chat on Whatsapp) or (stalk ex-boyfriend on Facebook heeheheh). So I thought to myself, what an amazing idea! I’ll just do that and eliminate all my wasted time. After a few days, I started seeing a pattern in my schedule: I waste a lot of time using the phone and not enough time doing anything I love and find significant. I chose to change my routine and make conscious decision. So now, when I catch myself doing something wasteful I tell myself make conscious decisions. I also tell myself Are you really hungry, or are you just bored? But I’ll get to that story another time.

Anyhow, this is the first step:

1- Start by identifying your biggest time wasters and make a conscious decision about changing them. This would give you a good chunk of time for work. Schedule in your coffee and lunch breaks and give yourself time to breathe. When you have that done, look at the number of hours you can work in awe. This is your canvas.

2- Take a piece of paper (yes I am old fashioned) and write TO DO as a title. Underline it twice to show yourself that this is a very important document. Now leave a few lines (basically press enter twice) and write number one. You can put a dash or a dot, your choice. Great, you’ve got it so far.

3- Write down the things you need to do everyday at work. So if you have to print a specific report, check the cash invoices, file yesterday’s papers, or make specific calls, write those down. This is your first category: your daily tasks. These will not change, they are a crucial part of your job description.

4-Next, write down the things you need to do today. I prefer to have a To Do list done in advance but if you feel like you are living in chaos at work, start with a list. Write the things that need to be done. A weekly to do list gives you plenty of time to shuffle the tasks around.

5- At the end of each task, draw a small box that you can check. Checking the box feels SO good, trust me. Keep the box.

6- Start working according to your list. Start with your daily tasks and go on. How you choose which task to start is your decision. Some people say you shouldn’t check your email before noon (or whatever golden hour they seem to have researched) but come on! You can check your email without replying, right? It’s not like you have the tendency to lose yourself in emails.

7- Review your list. You can make a daily list or you can have a general list (for people like me who don’t seem to get much done everyday). For people with projects that take longer, instead of writing (Finalize the report) you can instead write (work on report due on…..) and check the box when you work on it. The way I review my list is rewrite the things I didn’t complete and totally scratch off things that are done. This feels better than the little tick.

So why are lists important? Well, lists display what you need to do that day. They keep you focused on your goal when you feel like life is chaotic. With lists, you make sure that you don’t forget to do that thing you keep forgetting. So you will catch yourself less often wondering (what did my boss ask me to do on Monday?) Lists also service as a cute little motivational pat on the back. The little ticks show you that you’ve done something. During those days when you can’t make yourself work and you feel like you’d rather be home in bed, lists offer you some items that CAN be done with minimum effort. You can choose your tasks and still feel like you’ve achieved something. Finally, lists are fun to have especially if you categorize them based on your workload. If you have your list numbered well and you have a bunch of papers you need to go through, your list can be the (cover) of your file with each page numbered. So item #1 on your list will be the first set of papers, item #2 the second set, and so forth. This HELPS with people who have a lot of paperwork.

In the end, lists help save your time. Make conscious decisions, write up a list, and eat because you’re hungry, not bored. Oh, I’ll get to that another time. Till then, happy listings.

May 13, 2015 1

كوكب اللامنطق

لا يعي الكلمة

الا المهووس بالكلمة

ولا يقدر الحب

الا المتيم بالحب

فلا مكان لعديمي المشاعر

في حياتي

ولا مجال لذوو المنطق

في كوكبي

فأنا أعيش في كوكب اللامنطق

حيث القلب هو الامير

والعقل مسجون في المنفى

والنبضات ترقص وترقص وترقص

May 10, 2015 0

Inspired Tonight

Inspired

Sleep escapes my eyes

And I listen to my inner voice

Stories unfold in my mind

characters emerge before me

as I write.

inspired

The plot thickens

pages roll and pencils break

with each thought and action

Things I could never do

My character undertakes.

Inspired

with hopes of what if

And what could have been

Inspired to be

to live in a dream

where things you see

Aren’t what they seem.

May 3, 2015 0

Buying the Perfect Gift

There are many occasions in our lives when we need to purchase a gift for someone. Some people are happy to buy gifts and find it easy, whereas others have a really hard time choosing something suitable. Over the course of my life, I realized that gifts are very personal and heart warming items that shine some happiness into a person’s day. So the question is, how do you buy the perfect gift?

Well, the first thing you need to do is to think. Think about the person you’re buying the gift for. Who is it? What’s the occasion? What does that person need. The best gifts are well thought of. They are gifts which are meaningful and which say, “I got you something you will really appreciate.”

Of course, you need to consider your budget but you can always find something right at any price.

You need to be creative.

These days, people are happy to give out gift vouchers. It’s the lazy way out. Once you’ve reached that point in your decision making, stop. You are not giving it enough thought or effort. Yes, it’s great when you’re gifting a colleague at work or someone who’s not important in your life, but best gifts are personal. You can save time with gift vouchers but they will be forgotten as soon as they are used. Why? Because you didn’t choose that gift.

Think of the children in your life. Would they appreciate gift vouchers? Probably. But you’ll end up driving them over to the shop and waiting for only God knows how long for them to make a decision. Whereas you could have saved yourself all this wasted time if you just listened. Also, you know all those toys they saw? They wouldn’t miss them if they never saw them.

Listening to a person and knowing what they want and need is the key to a great present. The best gifts are those which cover a person’s needs. Now if your husband/wife needs socks, by all means, buy them some just don’t consider socks to be their birthday present. This type of gift says, “I thought of you and went out of my way to get you this because I know you need it.” Still valid and sweet.

Knowing a person’s passion and hobbies help a lot. When a colleague at work comes with a new set of earrings every week, you pick up on their passion (or at least liking of) earrings. Now would it be redundant to get her some earrings. It depends. That’s when you should investigate a bit further.

With birthdays, people usually start to look for hints a month in advance. Wrong. It’s too late and the person will know you’re investigating. You should be thinking of the present in advance. An element of surprise is a great addition to the gift.

Conventional or traditional gifts are sometimes accepted and at other times they are not. In the beginning of your relationship, a box of chocolates and a dozen roses are a great gift. Years into your marriage, your wife probably expects more because you know her and this is also the lazy way out. Deeper relationships require deeper thought.

So let’s recap and continue.

1- Gifts should be personal, well thought of, creative, and satisfies a need or want.

2- Stay away from gift certificates to sustain a more personalized touch to your gift

3- Investigate in advance. Do your homework when looking for ideas and don’t blow your cover.

4- Hobbies and passions are a great place to consider when thinking of gifts

5- An element of surprise is a great addition to the gift

6- More serious relationships require deeper thought. Traditional gifts are alright for a certain time only.

When they say it’s the thought that counts when it comes to gifts, it really is the THOUGHT that counts. When a person knows you well enough to buy you a present that blows you away, hold onto that person. People who don’t put an effort need to be reminded that gifts rekindle relationships and shine through our days.

Don’t forget to have the gift wrapped and don’t forget to write something meaningful in a card.

Memories stay true when accompanied by words.

Surprise someone you love, buy them something thoughtful.

May 1, 2015 1

Decision Day

He stood by his desk thinking of the decision he just made and finally followed through after being so reluctant for the past 15 years. It took him 15 years to take this step and when he finally did, it didn’t feel the way it should. He wasn’t happy, he was ecstatic.

He looked at the picture of his wife and two boys and wondered how they would take the news. He didn’t know that today was the day. He didn’t know that today he would set himself free to pursue his dreams. He didn’t know that on his way to the water cooler he would deviate and pass by his boss’s office to inform him.

He stood by the glass door of the office knowing exactly what he wanted. Everything was clear to him. Everything he did up to this point in his life was clear in his head and he saw exactly where he needs to be next. He wasn’t emotional and he didn’t have a plan. Nothing specific happened to trigger the decision, it was just time.

Time. Oh how much time he wasted doing something he didn’t enjoy.

He had enough. He had enough with putting on his suit every morning and driving the same route. He had enough of thinking “what if” and “when will I?’ It was enough procrastination. He procrastinated his life for the past 15 years and it was time for it to end.

He always knew what he wanted to be and do at an early age. His passion for the kitchen led him to come back from work everyday and cook, regardless of the workload he carried. He only felt alive with the chef’s knife in his hand, cutting vegetables and stirring pots on the stove. He had a calling yet ignored it for so long thinking that his pay was more important than his dream. He planned to start a small restaurant when he retires but couldn’t go on one more day. This was it. This was the day he chose to change his life. This was decision day.

He knocked on the door and waited for the answer. He walked in and very calmly explained his decision. The boss nodded, stood up, and gave him a hug. The boss knew him too well. He saw him in the company’s last barbecue dinner and how his eyes lit when he was grilling the burgers, how laid back and comfortable he looked in the apron. He knew he would be losing one of his best employees soon and he was right.

He walked back to his desk and saw he didn’t have many “personal belongings” to pack. He took the photo frame, his keys, and mobile phone and started walking. He was never one of the team, he was always a guest that never clicked in. One step, two steps, three steps, he smiled. Four steps, five steps, six steps, he turned and looked at the office, everyone was busy working on their computers or talking on their phones. He grinned. Seven steps, he started removing his tie thinking how cliche. Eight steps, nine steps, 10 steps, he throws the tie in the bin and reaches the elevator. He presses the down button and waits.

The elevator arrives, he walks in and turns. This would be the last time he walks into a corporate building and he gladly presses “G”. He knew that this was the best decision he ever made.

April 28, 2015 1

الأحلام

نعلّق آمالنا صباحا

عند طلوع الشمس

ونتأكد بأن أحلامنا

تبقى دافئة في أسرّتنا

لنبدأ يوم جميل جديد

نرى فيه أعين أحبتنا

نشتاق إلى مجالستهم ونحن معهم

نشتاق إلى محادثتهم ونحن نحادثهم

فلا نرتوي

وتمر الساعات كالدقائق

لنعود إلى أسرّتنا ليلا

ونلبس آمالنا المعلّقة

ونحتضن أحلامنا الدافئة.

April 26, 2015 0

Grey and Grey

For those of you who are still faithfully watching Grey’s Anatomy and caught last night’s episode I am as shocked as you are. How? Why? Who? Seriously?!?! 11 years of great episodes, ups and downs, airplane crashes, patients, Neuro-surgeries, debates, heartaches, and losses, we are faced with this? Sigh. The story goes as the story goes, do not question the author.

Although some things in Grey’s Anatomy are far-fetched and aren’t very realistic (such as the cloned cancer Meredith took home with her), it’s still a fairly reasonable series to follow. It seems like it won’t last much longer but we can always watch reruns. Come on, we had the same feeling of utter loss when Friends was over so we need to prepare ourselves. We can always live on reruns.

Meanwhile, keep Thursday nights for your TV shows and the rest of your week for reading. Grey’s Anatomy shook us for the past 11 years and another type of Grey shook the world: 50 Shades of Grey.

So here I am, a couple of years ago, walking naively in what I believe to be the Virgin Mega-stores in Dubai when I see piles of beautifully stacked books. I walk up to the pile and, out of curiosity, pick it up: 50 Shades of Grey. Hmmm… Interesting. I think I had a mental link to Grey’s Anatomy and assumed it was good. The way it was marketed around the bookstore was ridiculous! They must have had at least 20 piles of 30 books each AT LEAST! The author apparently signed a GREAT publishing deal and the marketing team did a great job to encourage people to buy it.

Mental note to self: do not judge a book by its cover or by the way it’s being displayed.

Let me be clear about something, I don’t read the back cover unless it’s REALLY necessary but since it seemed like a great book, I decided the front cover was enough regardless of the fact that it was fairly ambiguous. The image of the tie was honestly very intriguing and it seemed like a nice little romance, it seemed to be the “it” book of the season. Therefore, being the very fashion forward person I am, I bought it.

Fast forward: a few months after being piled up in my “to read” pile, I talk about it to one of my friends who tells me that it’s basically a dirty little book. Everything she said was news to me. I was like a five year old being told that Santa didn’t exist and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had flashbacks to the book store and how I looked to make sure people saw me buy the fashionable book, then I had a flashback to flipping the book over and thinking I won’t read it because it would ruin everything. Ah the many times I could have said NO. The many times I could have saved that money. And the way I felt about being a blind follower was just painful Then it hit me, what if I READ it!!! What if I started reading it and the confusion grew with every page? That would have been something!

So what did I learn from this incident?

1- Not every Grey is good, some Grey is bad

2- If you have a bad book, you’re stuck with it forever because you don’t want to seem tasteless for giving it to someone else. Hence, the book will stay in your shelf until one of your grandchildren finds it and will assume you had a weird life.

3- Spoilers are better than wasted time and money. Read the back cover of the book.

4- Don’t buy a book because it’s in fashion, but a book that you will enjoy and is worth buying even if you have to spend time choosing it.

5- Listen to your friends, they usually have something important to say.

April 24, 2015 2

Bedoor Bluemoon

Everyday writing to expose the soul

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