bedoorbluemoon

Ice

ice

Feelings were once a part of my life

and loads of feelings I had

dreams of being a mother and a wife

soon became my past.

I used to feel others’ pain

and tears would fall from my eyes

but then I thought I have no gain

so I stopped all of my cries.

Then soon enough I found out

that happiness isn’t forever

so I threw away happiness too

and hoped it would come never.

Sadly, though, all feelings left

and I was in the dark

not feeling pain nor happiness

no excitement, not a spark.

Smiles would crack my lips at times

and tears would run down my face

yet deep inside I surely know

in my heart, feelings have no place.

From Dreams Of A Blue Moon

October 23, 2016 0

ذكرى

تذكرتي أيامي بك

تلك التي كانت والتي لم تكن

الأماكن التي جلسنا نحتسي فيها القهوة وتلك التي لم نجلس فيها

ولكنها ايضا تذكرني بك..

كيف ذاك؟

ارى كيف جلسنا وكيف وضعت يدي في يدك بتملّك عجيب

وكيف نظرت الى عيني

واعترفت لك بكل شيء

اعترفت بحبي لك

وبشوقي

وهيامي

وجنوني الذي بدأ بك

وانتهى بك

اعترفت عيني بكل نظرة حب تبادلتها معك

وبكل دمعة سكبت وهي بعيدة عنك

فأين انت الآن؟

هل ترى وجهي في فنجانك كل صباح؟

هل ترى دموعي في قطرات المطر؟

هل ترى تموج شعري في امواج البحر وهي ترتطم بكل يأس؟

هل تسمع صوتي يتخلل اغاني عبدالحليم؟

“بتلوموني ليه؟ تارا”

فها انا أتمشى في شوارع المدينة

واراك في كل ازقتها

تتخلل المحبين وتغدو ثالثهم

وانا اراك

البعيد القريب

لا أستطيع الوصول إليك

ولكنك معي دائما

يستوقفني عازف القيثارة

واختلس النظر الى جانبي

لأراك تسرح مع النوتات

فلا أجدك

ويأخذني العزف الى واقع اخر

الى حلم اصبح في مخيلتي حقيقة

الى حياة لا تبدأ قصتها بكان يا ما كان

تبدأ ب(لو كان هناك مكان،

وزمان اخر)

لاصبحت قصتنا مختلفة

فاتمايل مع العزف

واحتضن معطفي

علّه يقيني من برود

هبّ فجأة

وتركني وحيدة

October 18, 2016 0

كربلاء الدهر

For more info about the battle of Karbala:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Karbala

تمر الايام وتأتي كربلاء

عاشوراء الحسين التي لا تموت

قلوبنا تغلي وتنكسر

وأصواتنا تعلو وتلبي

وأفراحنا تندثر

والحسين يبقى مخلدا

وكربلاء مستمرة

فما بال قلب الحسين عليه السلام عندما رأى فلذة كبده يقطعه الأعداء إربا إربا؟

ما بال قلب الحسين وهو يرى ابن أخيه مهشّم الرأس؟

ما بال قلب الحسين يرى أخيه بلا كفين وعلى استحياء من العودة الى المخيم حيث لم يستطع احضار الماء للنساء والأطفال؟

ما بال قلب الحسين وهو يرى اخته زينب قبل رحيله الأخير وهو على علم بما سيجري لها بعد استشهاده؟

آه على تفطّر قلبك يا سيدي

آه على تفطّر فؤادك يا حبيبي

آه على كربلاء التي لا تنتهي أبدا

آه على قلبك يا سيدي يا صاحب الزمان وانت تذكر جدك في كل عام وتصرخ مع المعزين يا حسين، يا مظلوم… قتل جدي الحسين عطشانا

آه على تفطّر قلبك يا مهدي الأمه وانت تسمع نداء الحسين (الا من ناصر ينصرني؟) نفديك بارواحنا سيدي

آه على قلبك وانت ترى السبايا في انكسار

آه على قلبك وانت تعود برضيعك المستشهد على صدرك

آه على قلبك وانت تتوسط جسد علي الأكبر وجسد القاسم وينفطر قلبك في كل ثانية مائة مرة

يا ليتني كنت معكم لأعي كلمة التفطّر

لأعي حجم التضحية

لأعي حجم حبك لله عز وجل

لأعي قوة السيدة زينب وهي ترفع جثتك مستسلمة لامر الله وهي تقول “تقبل منا هذا القربان”

آه على القربان الطاهر والنجم الزاهر

آه على شيبك الخضيب

وردائك السليب

آه على الشفاه الذابلات

آه على المرمّل بالدماء

آه على غريب الغرباء وشهيد الشهداء

آه عليك يا كربلاء

سلامي إليك يا سيدي مدى الدهر

كل عام تعود كربلاء ويتجدد الالم

ويتجدد العهد

ويتفطّر قلبك
وتبقى مخلدا

السلام عليك يا سيدي يا حسين

October 10, 2016 0

There are many management styles and theories in history and managers are usually open minded in trying them out. Two of the basic management styles we learned back in college were the theory X of management and the theory Y of management; theory X basically states that all employees are bad and don’t want to work so they need to be constantly supervised and disciplined (we put a big X on them). Theory Y states that all employees are good and are willing to work and need guidance and positive reinforcements. Through my somewhat limited years in management, I have tried out both and saw that the best fit depends on the employee, the manager, the organizational culture, and other factors; management is both a science and an art since managers are dealing with different personalities and emotions.

Emotions are being recognized nowadays as an important factor in organizations and emotional intelligence is a fairly recent concept introduced to the world. What I think, in my opinion, is that using emotions to manage is a good tool even though it might seem to some a bit manipulative. Visiting a sick employee in the hospital creates an emotional tie between the employee and the manager; not visiting the same employee will create a negative grudge that will forever stay with the employee and his psychiatrist will be the only one to assist him in letting go. (Let it Go- Frozen soundtrack).

So what other emotions can we use?

Put yourself in this situation: you are sitting at home watching TV and all of a sudden, your spouse walks in and tells you how much he/she appreciates you. Well, that’s sweet. Now picture yourself in the same situation and a complete stranger walks in (let’s assume you kept the door unlocked) and tells you how much he/she loves you. Wait, what? You feel different because of the element of surprise. Interesting how surprise causes an adrenaline flow.

Now back to the business environment. Picture yourself sitting at your desk checking your emails and your boss suddenly announces that you must all pack your things as he is taking you out to the beach to discuss how to best develop your jobs. Wait, What? Why is surprise a good thing? Well, people are habitual creatures; they like to fall back on a specific routine and have things all within their comfort zone. The salesman who was assigned in branch A for the past two years is content, relaxed, happy, and doesn’t want any change. He is probably doing the minimum as he is working on autopilot from the second he stepped out of his home. What can you do? Change his schedule and shift him to another place (employee rotations). He will have to think which route to take, will have to try out different routes on the way to work, will meet different types of people in the new location and will have to, at least, pay attention to the different things around. Now that is beneficial for the organization and even to the employee who will be able to increase his skills and knowledge.

Daily routines kill the development of your organization and change is important. As a manager, instead of managing by walking around, try to manage by surprise. Shake the grounds a little, do things you never did before and ask for things you never even thought of before. Change the format of the forms. Change the layout of the office space. Rotate people around and switch cubicles, buy lunch one day, the crazier you are the more ground you will shake. The more your employees wonder what will go on in their day at work, the more you are likely to have employees who are awake. Don’t scare them, surprise them. Don’t spoil them, make them wonder what’s on your mind.

The best managers are alive with ideas. Put some life back into your dead organization.

September 21, 2016 0

Don’t Tell

domestic-violence1

It was an ordinary day when Eve woke up to face yet another message from her husband. She hoped that he hadn’t come home last night for she wasn’t up to cleaning up his mess this early. It was the first day of school for her children and the last thing she wanted to do was clean up. She just couldn’t fathom mopping another spill nor is she up to picking up another pair of socks. She just couldn’t.

Everyone knows Eve.

Eve is a typical girl next door. She loves music, is part of the school’s drama team, paints her nails red on Valentine’s Day, and gets along with everyone. Eve had dreams of becoming a great lawyer and working in one of the nation’s biggest law firm but her plans got side tracked when she got pregnant with her first child. It wasn’t the way she wanted to walk down the aisle but her best friend continuously assured her that her little baby bump was hardly noticeable. On that day, she believed life had so much more to give and her life with Adam was just starting.

Adam and Eve couldn’t go away on their honeymoon because they had to save up for the baby. Giving birth was an overwhelming experience and Eve was ecstatic. Her life seemed perfect; her life with Adam seemed perfect.

Seemed.

It started one night over a silly dispute. Adam started arguing and accidentally told Eve he was tricked into marrying her. Scheming bitch, he called her. Manipulating whore. My life’s biggest regret. It was different and yet the same every time. He came up with harsher abuses every time… Then he apologized every time.

Scheming, manipulative, mistake, regret, ugly, fat, stupid… The list goes on.

She fought back once when he started painting their life pitch black because she felt like he needed to understand that she was not who he says she was. She tried to fight back, to answer, to explain her point of view and to clear her name just to get a hard slap across her face. She looked at him stunned. Is this really happening to me, she wondered in bewilderment. She looked into his eyes to see whether or not her high school sweetheart felt any shame and she saw none. He started shouting.

Scheming manipulative bitch!

And she cried.

He hunted her insecurities. Made her question her life and every decision she ever makes. Removed all things that made her human, started controlling who her friends were and made sure she cuts all ties with everyone who ever mattered to her. Made sure to turn her into his own toy, his own property.

She said nothing. He slapped her and she said nothing. I can’t get a divorce, I don’t have a job, how can I support my kids? He will surely win custody over them and I’ll never see them again.

He kicked her, and she said nothing. He punched her, and she said nothing. Say what, and to who? There was no one around and the small chores he assigned her were mostly in the house; she had to take permission to go out and had to give a full report when she came back…so she usually stayed at home. It was never worth the hassle to conceal her bruises.

Scheming manipulative bitch.

She stopped caring. She stopped caring how she looked. She stopped caring to cover her bruises even from her children since they already disrespect her and see the arrangement at home as ‘normal’.
She stopped wondering if there is a different life for her out there. Her reality was obstructed by what she heard and saw everyday. Abuse. Verbal and physical abuse.

She stopped thinking for herself and took everything told to her as given truths.

She stopped questioning if she was worthy of living let alone loving.

Loving? Oh he told her he loved her constantly. Before a beating, after a beating, and sometimes during a beating. Why did you make me do this to you? He would say holding her tight after smacking her. Why are you doing this to us? Why do you cause us such misery?

Scheming manipulative bitch.

Eve, the girl next door who wanted to work in one of the country’s biggest law firms took up acting instead. On stage, she paints her nails red for Valentine’s Day, but every day red blood is a part of her attire. On stage, her name was darling wife but backstage she remains the cause of all of the world’s problems.

Scheming manipulative bitch.

#Break the silence, stop the violence.

September 10, 2016 1

Family Matters

Growing up, I was fortunate to be around my cousins. Yes, it was great sharing those wacky years where we made up names for scary monsters and scary things that didn’t exist. It was also great losing our minds and acting all silly. Yes, I am glad to say that Royal Rumble was an expected game regardless of our gender and acting out dares almost always ended up in tears. I went through times when I felt out of place and unwanted and at other times, I felt adored and looked up to. Sitting down with my cousins and talking about the good’ol’days always warms our hearts. These are the cousins from my mother’s side of the family.

Now my cousins from my father’s side are a different story. Back when I was young and arrogant, I didn’t think that these cousins mattered. In fact, I didn’t even know who they were if I were to meet them in the street. I know that there were ties once as I have some vague memories of running around in one of my uncle’s house and a video taping of other cousins playing around in our house. After that, we seemed to have lost touch. Now that I’m older and a bit more humble, I started seeing things different. It all started when my father decided to have a small get together. I was very intrigued because, you know, they’re my family. I looked forward to the event and was shocked to see one of our relatives look very very very similar to my sister. Hmm… I thought to myself, this is probably the “blood” they’re referring to in “blood is thicker than water.” It was one of the greatest days in my life: a resurrection of something I never knew existed and a realization that these cousins, too, are a part of who I am.

What’s ironic, though, is that even though I grew up with cousins from my mother’s side, the similarities between my cousins (dad’s side) and I are more. Have I drifted away from how I was raised or have I come home to who I really am.

Another situation that made me realize that I didn’t need to know my cousins to feel their pain was when one of them lost her spouse. It was tragic and sudden. To see my cousin (who had to be pointed out to me, I dare say) devastated and crying tore me to pieces. I would have given anything to change this unfortunate fate. I held her and cried. Years later I saw her with her sisters. By the end of the visit, I had to ask which one was the cousin who lost her husband. It’s so sad that in all these years I didn’t contact her. But, blood is thicker than water and I pray for her piece of mind.

Regardless of who our family is, family matters. Whether it’s genetics or growing up with your family that ties the bonds, I am proud to say that I am honored to have such great cousins. Cousins that I share stories of a “big green eye walking,” “picking jasmines and meeting the dreaded cat,” “ducky go down the hooooole” and all the jokes from Friends. And cousins that look like me and surprisingly act like me although we’ve been raised differently.

Addams Family Theme Song

They’re creepy and they’re kooky

Mysterious and spooky

they’re all together ooky

the Addams Family.

September 9, 2016 0

اشتياق

اشتاقت عيناي الى النظر الى الكلمات المنقوشة على ورق الشجر، الى التمعن في كل كلمة صاغها الزمان في أوراق العمر، كلمات مخلَّدة بين دفتين لا يعشقها الا العالم ولا يشتاق لها الا الفاقد

دفتان تحمل في طياتها روايات الماضي من عاشق ومعشوق،،، من قاتل ومقتول،،، ومن بطل يهيم في البوادي بحثا عن عينان يتوه في سوادهما

دفتان تحمل في طياتها احلام المستقبل على هيئة القصص القصيرة من بطولة ال(أنا) والنرجسية الحمقاء التي تحوّل الكون الواسع الى ضيق الانسان.

دفتان تحمل في طياتها عبق الماضي، وامل الغد، والحياة اليومية والتي لا تكاد تخلو من الآهات نعيش من خلالها لننسى ونهيم في آهات اخرى.

اشتقت لملامسة الأوراق بأصابعي المرتجفة وانا استشعر ما الذي تحمله الصفحة الأخيرة من ابداع الكاتب، اشتقت لرائحة الحبر وأرقام الصفحات التي لا تنفك تمر مرورا جميلا في مخيلتي، اشتقت الى النظر الى عقل ليس بعقلي واستشعار أحاسيس ليست باحاسيسي

فأين انت يا من تنتزعني من واقعي لأعيش في دنيا الاحلام؟

تعال وأبعدني من دنيا الكلام الفارغ المسموع لأعيش الخلود معك
يتحدث المرء فينسى الكلام

اما الكتابة فتدوم الى الايد
Woman reading book among shelves on balcony in American History Room in New York Public Library, 1944. Photograph by Albert Eisenstaedt. LIFE. From http://books0977.tumblr.com/post/118379841752/woman-reading-book-among-shelves-on-balcony-in

August 14, 2016 0

The Donkey, the Cake, and the Flat Bread

Shrek Donkey — PIC BY MICK GALLAGHER / CATERS NEWS – (Pictured A Wild Burro in Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area) Whats so funny? This mule clearly found something hilari-ASS when he got up close to one photographer. The wild burro – which bears a striking similarity to Donkey from the Shrek movies – was captured on camera by wildlife photographer Mick Gallagher – who spent months trying to get close to the group. And when one animal finally decided to pose for the camera, it seems he found something to smile about – with hilarious results. Mick, 42, who has been working as a professional photographer after he was made redundant from his marketing job during the economic downturn, has tried to build a bond with the animals, which roam in the Red Rock Conservation Area, Nevada. SEE CATERS COPY.

Traveling helps widen your horizon. You get to see different cultures, different ways of life, and a variety of people who you would never meet back home. You learn new things, come back with great stories, and feel like you have done something different.

A few years back, I had the privilege of traveling to a less “advanced” country. I thought that this would be beneficial where I would get the chance to reconnect to myself away from the noise that is technology. It was a great opportunity to see the basic roads and the simple way people were living. It was refreshing to be feel like I was walking back in time and I am more than glad to share with you my experience.

This is the story of the donkey, the cake, and the flat bread.

The flat bread. One day in my trip, I decided that I wanted some more flatbread because the amount served in breakfast wasn’t enough for everyone. I learned previously that when you are on vacation and want something, go and get it because this is an opportunity that may or may not present itself to you again in your future. I gathered my courage and practiced the few words in the foreign language to help me get my message across and walked to the flat bread “oven”. There was a long line of customers waiting and I could smell the sweet aroma tickle my nose. I knew that this was the best decision I made that day and even though this was going to take a while (given the rate the cue was moving), I would finally get my sweet flatbread. Customers got their orders and I was getting close to the window and when I finally reached, I saw it. The oven was blazing hot, the baker was sweating, and there was a bathtub in the back filled with dough. Yes, it was a bathtub. It wasn’t covered with anything to keep insects away and apparently this didn’t bother anyone. You see, I was a very sheltered person and this bothered me immensely but I was too polite to cancel my order. I reluctantly took my bread and the image of the white run down bah tub still stuck in my memory. It was horrific at that time but now, I just laugh. This was a practical solution for the baker and so he used it.

The cake. Back home, I was used to having some coffee and cake as a snack so it was surprising when the group of tourists were going to a garden/coffee shop. The weather was fine and there was no way my night would be ruined. We arrived at the cafe and sat down for a break, I was looking forward to my cake so I got up and reached the barista. There was a pile of what looked like mega cupcakes without any toppings except one almond flake so I assumed it was an almond cupcake. It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for but who can go wrong with sugar and flour? I pointed at the cake while maintaining eye contact and put up one finger to show that I wanted 1 piece. He nodded his head, moved the cling film from the cupcakes, took one cupcake out, and placed it in my hand. No plate, no fork, no knife, no nothing. I was dumbfounded as I received the piece of dessert but, again, I am pretty shy and sheltered so I chose to take it without so much as a complaint. I mean, who am I to question the culture, right?

Moving right along.

The donkey. Keeping an open mind gets you places you never dreamed of. I’m sure that’s what my sister was thinking that day when we decided, on the same trip, to take the only means of transportation to the magnificent waterfall. You see, to get to the waterfall, you are either expected to walk upstream with cold water trickling on your feet or use donkeys with their respective “drivers”- children who can’t be older than 14 who are in charge of navigating. We were escorted on the backs of the mules with no saddles required and requested, in a foreign language, to stay put. My sister was younger so she was sharing one donkey with a friend. We trusted our lives to the young drivers who, at one point, started chatting about who-knows-what. I kept my eye on my sister and her friend fretting that the donkey can’t handle their weight but, the poor animal, was strong.

He was strong but not very smart.

In seconds, we passengers all had out eyes fixated on my sister’s donkey. It started wobbling in the thin path and the driver left it and was chatting with his friend.

“Do you think it knows where it’s going?” someone said

“Yes, I’m sure it takes this path a few times a day. I heard it memorizes paths,” I replied, not knowing where I got that piece of information

“Seems like the donkey’s a bit bonkers.” She replied in a worried voice.

And suddenly, the donkey slipped. Down came the girl sharing the donkey, and on top of her my poor sister, and right on top, the donkey toppled over. She swore to me that she was face to face with the mule. She was looking into its eyes and felt its weight on top of her. My poor sister couldn’t have been more than 13 years old at that time.

And to this day, she remembers the donkey’s face so clearly. It’s so sad it’s hilarious. Things you can only experience when you have an open mind. Humor is out there, go get it.

July 27, 2016 0

The Photocopied Prescription

There are some people in your life who you have to trust: your parents, your spouse, your best friend, and your doctor. Your relationship with your family doctor is important for your well being and sanity so when you find a good family doctor who you trust, stick with him.

People go to doctors to ease their pain and reassure them in many cases of paranoia, especially when it comes to mothers and their children. It is also important when the doctor is supposed to be experienced in their field and can work wonders; the person’s belief in the doctor helps with the cure.

A while ago, I was referred to a fertility specialist who was supposed to find out what was the reason behind our delayed pregnancy. I started answering her probing questions and believed in her ability to pinpoint if there are any medical issues. I would go to my appointments, wait in the overflowing waiting area for a long time (which did give me some time to read and extra belief in her ability to cure), and go in for a few tests. After finding out there was no medical issues with me or my husband, I didn’t know what to do. This was when “trust” came into play.

Because of Web MD and google, people identify their symptoms and research ailments before going to a doctor. I think it’s good to have knowledge but it’s also important to keep in mind that we are not capable of diagnosing things for certain.

One day, I walk into my appointment wondering what her game plan is and hoping that I would be convinced. She was sitting behind her table, looked at my file, and reassured me one more time that there was nothing physically wrong with us as a couple. So she states that she will start me on some Clomid pills (clomiphene) is a non-steroidal fertility medicine. It causes the pituitary gland to release hormones needed to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg from the ovary). (wikipedia).

It seemed like a game plan, at least.

She then reached for a photocopied prescription page and handed it over to me.

She didn’t even bother to write my name on it! I was shocked!! Apparently, she was using a “one-size-fits-all” approach for all her patients that she came to a point where she decided a photocopied prescription would save her time.

Did I go for it? No. Did I ever go back? Definitely not. Did other people benefit from her photocopied prescription? Probably, but I didn’t want to take a risk.

The life lesson I learned: when your doctor hands you a photocopied prescription, run. Run far away and don’t look back. Trust your parents, trust your spouse, trust your best friend, and trust your doctor.

Just make sure you don’t forget to trust yourself first.

July 19, 2016 0

Bedoor Bluemoon

Everyday writing to expose the soul

Author

bedoorbluemoon

Ice

ذكرى

كربلاء الدهر

Management By Surprise

Don’t Tell

Family Matters

اشتياق

The Donkey, the Cake, and the Flat Bread

The Photocopied Prescription

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