Search

Bedoor Bluemoon

Everyday writing to expose the soul

Tag

bedoorbluemoon

Traitor- Torn in Two

Torn

Torn in two I ask myself

what did I do?

Not knowing how or when or why

but just cry

enjoyed the conversation at first

but now it hurts

and hurts and hurts…

Feel like I turned into a traitor

I’m now a stranger

not knowing the reason behind it all

did my soul call?

I ask myself what did I gain?

A heart that pains

and pains and pains…

Slowly see myself fade away

self, please stay

answer these questions for me, then go

I want to know.

Wishing to know, and hope I try

but slowly I die

and die and die…

– Dreams of a Blue Moon

Life as a Fraud- Inferiority Complex

Fraud

inferiority-Complex.jpg

They say confidence is key.  Key to what, I wonder as I put on my beige dress.  Here I am getting ready to graduate at the top of my class from a great university and I still wonder how did I get here?  I never thought I was the sharpest tool in the box (is that how the saying goes?) and I never really did so great in school; and yet I got accepted in the state university on a full scholarship.  I remember joking with the counselor who insisted I apply for the scholarship telling me that I was a great student and all universities would love to have me.  I thought he was joking but I got nudged into it by my mom who held the camera as I played the violin.  I missed a few notes but didn’t feel like redoing the whole thing, so I sent in the tape with all the mistakes.

A few months later, I got the acceptance letter and felt ecstatic.  Scared, but happy.  Then my complex kicked in: am I as good as they think I am?  Am I really worth the money they’d be throwing away?

I walked around campus those four years trying to keep to myself most of the time but it was evident that things cannot go unnoticed.  My high grades got me on the honors roll and I was turned into one of the university teaching assistants and library buddy.  I was also playing the violin in university performances and was given awards for “best performance” and “Classical music guru”.  Yet I kept wondering what they see in me.  What can they see that I can’t?

When things go against my will, I understand.  I live in that unknown and thrive in knowing nobody is watching.  Then I excel, and everybody watches… and I start questioning.

Am I a fraud?  Am I an illusionist who has everyone scammed into believing I am made of something that I am not?

Then I look around, and see people who have accomplished less than I have, look half as good as I do, and are less talented but who are booming with confidence.  I choose to keep quiet in seminars, even though I know the answers before anyone raises their hand.  I try to live in the shadows of my doubt, to live behind those who are in their fuschia and turquoise dresses, screaming for attention.  I choose to stay in the shadows where only those who are looking for perfection would find me, could find me.  They would take me out, polish me a bit, and stand in awe at who I am.

And then, as I stand glistening in the sun, I will still wonder if I’m a real diamond… or a fraud.

Climbing’s Easy- Did You Try Falling?

Climbing

falling

Climbing’s easy

Did you try falling?

Falling from the top after you were the best?

Falling from the bridge and getting all wet?

Falling from the window, falling from the door

Falling like no ever fell before?

Falling out of sense, falling out of line

Falling out of a place I used to call mine.

Falling out of steps, missing out on the dance

Falling out of thought, living in a trance.

Falling in love, for love is a big big hole

Falling out on a position you will hold nevermore.

Falling out of touch, your friends no longer here

Falling out of sight, missing eyes and missing ears.

Falling out of life, falling out of breath

Falling out of life, falling into death.

Climbing’s easy,

did you try falling?

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑